Republicans’ Pledge to America: Translation from Politicianese to Real-World English

The Democrats are evil and will devour your souls. The American people, meaning Republicans because only Republicans are real Americans, do not support a Democratic government. We Americans wrote this pledge to state this because we did not think it was clear enough.

Obama and his cohorts are too powerful, bully Congress, and do not accurately represent the American people. Does at least half the American populace have one parent born in Kenya? No. Did most of them attend Occidental, and then transfer to Columbia? No. Do most American men have wives with baller biceps? Definitely no. The executive has so much control over Congress that health care reform only took a year to pass, not to mention how close it came to achieving other socialist initiatives like programs against global warming.

For the record, we have no collective memory of George W. Bush, his poor approval ratings, or his attempts to consolidate executive power. We also do not recall any influence Bush had over a Republican Congress, especially in regards to large-scale military operations in 2003.

The recession is Obama’s fault. We promise that, as soon as we Republicans seize control of Washington and the executive branch, prosperity will instantly return and there will be unicorns riding on double rainbows. All the way across the sky. Here’s to looking forward.

Oh, yeah, we almost forgot: we will follow our usual policy platform.

All real Americans (see definition above) will honor this pledge. If you don’t, you are directly supporting terrorism.

Signee _________The American People______
Witness ______Everybody on Planet Earth_____

Promises are non-binding and subject to change without notification. Unicorn double rainbows prohibited where median income is below $1,000,000. Any agreement reached with Republicans does not necessarily apply to members of the Tea Party, and the Republican Party accepts no responsibility for any wacky Tea Party antics. Offers only valid for people with no historical memory of the past twenty (20) years, including but not limited to the policy gridlock and government shut-down of the mid-90s as well as the entire period from January 2001-January 2009. The Republican Party is under no obligation to adjust its platform in response to past actions or objective polls of Americans’ political beliefs. Having control of at least one house of Congress does not obligate Republicans to approve any pending bills or otherwise do anything productive. “Usual policy platform” includes opposing all proposals that are even remotely related to the Democrats and preventing them from achieving anything that could considered a success, even if this position jeopardizes millions of citizens’ well-being. The Republican Party is under no obligation to assist the American people in any way if assistance contradicts “usual policy platform” or otherwise harms the Party’s power. The Republican Party intends no offense to terrorists or non-Americans by equating them with Democrats.

-Matthew Pritchard

You May Also Like