Two Macho Men Stories

Halloween

“Hey man, did I ever tell you about the time I was five, and I rode my Big Wheel through the supermarket? Yeah, it had a Harley Davison sticker on the bumper and a death skull on the handle bars – none of that fairy streamer shit. I was knocking over these housewives right and left. I even bumped some chick’s honkers. I was grabbing Baby Ruths and Mr. Goodbars and Charleston Chews and putting them into my leather jacket. By the time I was out of there, I had more shit than Halloween. I sold some to my friends. Oh yeah, those were some heady times. What a pisser!”

Yachting

“So the guys and me are on this big boat, and we’re floating along, and everything’s cool. Then this big-ass wave comes along and capsizes us. Lucky for us we got into the lifeboat fast. There were six places in the lifeboat, but we had seven guys. The tough guys like me took those spots. And wouldn’t you know it but Alvin can’t get his act together to grab a spot. So, he had to hang off the boat in the water, like Leo DiCaprio in that Avatar movie or whatever. Five minutes go by and Alvin starts whining, “Oh, I put my life jacket on backwards. Someone help me rearrange it.” Then he starts moaning, “Oh the water’s so cold. I’m getting hypothermia. I’m getting sunstroke. Oh, I’m starting to hallucinate.” I can’t stand a crybaby, so I say, “Hey, wimp, be a man, and deal with it.” He keeps on, “Oh, I swallowed some water. I’m drowning.” So I pull him up by his life vest and say, “Alvin, be a man, and deal with it.” He starts up again – “Oh, there’s a Great White Shark coming. There’s his fin.” I said, “Be a man, and deal with it.” He says, “He pulled me under a second. Now he’s biting me in the ass. Help!!!” I told him, listen, Alvin, we have our own problems in here. A man fights his own battles. Anyway, the wimp did stand up to him; he punched that shark right in the goddamn nose. Then the shark ate him. The Coast Guard picked us up and took us to shore, and now we’re collecting disability due to aquaphobia. Hey, we dealt with it.”

- Guest Contributor Stuart Kurtz

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