The Invention of the Iron Maiden

Duke: This had better be good. I was elbow deep in concubines.

Blacksmith: I believe the expression is “knee deep”.

Duke: No, I meant elbow.

Blacksmith: Apologies, my lord. But I’m sure you’ll enjoy this.

Duke: You found me a new concubine?

Blacksmith: No.

Duke: Fine wines?

Blacksmith: Nay.

Duke: Multiple concubines soaked in fine wines?

Blacksmith: I’m afraid not. It’s my newest creation.

Duke: Have you finally made me a magic claymore?

Blacksmith: I’m a blacksmith, not a wizard. We’ve discussed this m’lord.

Duke: I can’t remember. It must have been dull.

Blacksmith: You say everything is dull.

Duke: I don’t like all this reading you’ve been doing. It’s giving you a bad attitude.

Blacksmith: I’ll have myself exorcised at the earliest opportunity.

Duke: You’d better. I don’t go through all the trouble of oppressing you just to get lip in return.

Blacksmith: Could you just look over here?

Duke: What in the nine layers of hell is that?

Blacksmith: My greatest work yet. Behold: the Steel Jenny.

Duke: That name is every breed of failure.

Blacksmith: The Rusty Lass?

Duke: Try Iron Maiden.

Blacksmith: I liked “Steel Jenny”.

Duke: Do recall  that I can execute you on a whim.

Blacksmith: Iron Maiden it is.

Duke: What does it do, exactly?

Blacksmith: It gores dissidents to death. Or near death, if you prefer.

Duke: …oh. I see you’ve given this some thought.

Blacksmith: It took some time to make all the spikes, but I think it was worth it.

Duke: And the pan at the bottom?

Blacksmith: That’s where the blood drains out.

Duke: But…why?

Blacksmith: You know people?

Duke: Yeah?

Blacksmith: I’m not a fan.

Duke: Well, horrific torture has been a bit repetitive lately. You can only draw and quarter so many heretics…

Blacksmith: That’s the spirit!

Duke: I’ll take ten. If they’re not done by the end of the month, I’m testing it on you.

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