In response to accusations of wasteful energy use in regard to its dormitory heating systems, administrators at Princeton University have created the Task Force on Heating Efficiency, whose commission is to explore alternative options and make a recommendation to the Trustees on whether renovations should be sought. In the current heating systems, elves strike the inner walls of the radiators with hammers, result in 78% of the energy produced being released as sound.
“Many of our older dorms still use the elves-with-hammers method of heating, and it results in thousands of dollars a year in elf wages,” said William Horn, Assistant Director of Budget, “not to mention the cost of responses to sound complaints.”
A major obstacle in the renovation process is the extent of structural changes. Wilson College, which exclusively features the elves-with-hammers method, would require major overhauls to buildings that probably aren’t worth the money.
Princeton Facilities director Jonathan Baer weighed in on the issue: “While the current systems are inefficient and hella loud, their simplicity is certainly a pro. Put a big white rectangly cube in a room and put a few elves with hammers in it. Occasionally they can swordfight as an alternative, but anyway the main idea is that pipes, boilers, and central heating units are not required. To overhaul the system with modern heating methods would require the installation of all those things. And let’s be honest, the building’s in Wilson aren’t worth our time.”
The sorting out of these dilemmas will fall in the hands of the Task Force, which is to be commissioned for the next 3 months and will make a formal recommendation to the University in April.