Breaking News: Obama Abdicates To Bill Clinton

In a jaw-dropping turn of events at yesterday’s State of the Union Address, President Barack Obama announced that he was resigning the presidency, effective immediately, and turning all presidential duties and responsibilities over to former President Bill Clinton.

Reportedly no one, not even the president’s inner circle, knew this was coming.  According to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “It was as spontaneous as it could be.”[1] For some inscrutable reason, though, Clinton himself was on hand to take the podium as soon as Obama made the announcement, although not without a little pretended humility.  “I feel awkward being here, and now you’re going to leave me all by myself.”[2]

Any feelings of awkwardness obviously didn’t take long to dissipate.  In minutes the former president was pitching policy and fielding questions from the press like it was 1999.  As one journalist described the scene, “[It] shoots past déjà vu and lands firmly in ‘am I hallucinating?’ territory.”[3] Others like political journalist Chris Matthews were more exultant, proclaiming that Clinton’s return was demonstrative proof of an “alliance made by God and the Democratic Party.”[4]

Mr. Obama apparently had no regrets over his decision, judging by the alacrity with which he departed after turning control over to Clinton:  “I’ve been keeping the First Lady waiting for about half an hour, so I’m going to take off.”  Clinton, for his part, had no problem with this, cheerfully encouraging Obama to “please go,” then hastily clarifying that he didn’t want to “make [the First Lady] mad.”[5]

At a joint press conference afterward, Mr. Obama was on hand to explain the thinking behind this momentous paradigm shift.  It seems he decided that, after two years at the helm, it was time to “bring the other guy in” to turn the country around:

Given the fact that he presided over as good an economy as we’ve seen in our lifetimes…it might be useful.[6]

When reporters raised the minor detail that, according to the Constitution, Vice President Joe Biden should have become the new president instead of Clinton, Obama shrugged them off, saying that “[The Constitution] is not a static but rather a living document, and must be read in the context of an ever-changing world.”[7]

Upon being asked whether the current “context” is that of abject desperation on Obama’s part, Mr. Clinton chimed in with his own interpretational skills:  “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”[8]

When asked what he would most miss about being president, Obama simply responded:

The pastry chef here makes the best pie I’ve ever tasted, and that [will cause] big problems for Michelle and myself.[9]

-James Clark ’14

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