Failed New Years’ Resolutions from Figures in Popular Culture

At the beginning of the year, people around the world resolve to do things they’ll never see fit to follow through with. If you are reading this, you are probably one of them. We here at Tiger Mag don’t want you to feel guilty alone, so we’ve compiled a list of failed New Year’s Resolutions and the people who’ve failed to do them in honor of the New Year.

38. Abraham Lincoln – Support the arts.

37. Kim Jong Il – Be a good neighbor.

36. Darth Vader – Respect son’s life choices.

35. Helen Keller – Be a better listener.

34. Paula Dean and Paul Atreides – Cut down on spice usage.

33. Predator Drones – Only kill terrorists, for real this time. Like seriously, it’s getting awkward.

32. Dumbledore – Run better background checks on Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers.

31. Santa Claus – Lose 20 lbs using Cookie Diet, Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, Cabbage Soup Diet, diet pills, exercise, starvation, Grapefruit Diet, Fruitarian Diet, Jenny Craig Diet, Liquid Diet, Kosher and/or Hallal Diet, Inuit Diet, Mediterranean Diet, Ovo-lacto vegetarian diet, Fregan diet, Paleolithic Diet, Subway Diet, Weight Watchers.

30. Mark Zuckerberg – Start wearing a mouthguard.

29. Judicator Aldaris – Learn to construct additional pylons myself

28. Yoda – Normal sentences, build.

27. Sauron – Block off that secret, alternate route into Mordor.

26. Dov Charney and Sasha Grey – Wear clothing during work hours.

25. Ke$ha – Read King Lear.

24. Kate Middleton – Become a Disney Princess.

23. Nicki Minaj – Stop letting modesty get in the way of expressing self.

22. Brett Favre – Limit texting plan (those charges add up).

21. Michelle Obama – First: Abolish dessert. Second: Abolish freedom.

20. Bono – Learn to count in Spanish.

19. Bella from Twilight and Belle from Beauty in the Beast – Avoid falling in love with terrible monsters.

18. Transportation Security Administration – Keep hands to themselves.

17. Octomom, Bristol Palin, Pamela Anderson, Julian Assange, Freddy Mercury – Use condoms.

16. Britney Spears – Wear panties.

15. Barack Obama – Finally stand up to Malia.

14. Sarah Palin – Go camping or hunting without video cameras.

13. Team Rocket – Start wearing parachutes at all times.

12. Nicholas Cage – Develop a third emotion beyond “angry, but holding it back” and “confused, but trying to work it out”.

11. Storm Troopers – Invest more time in target practice.

10. Cee Lo Green – Let go of anger.

9. Haiti – Use lighter building materials.

8. Katy Perry – Suck less.

7. BP – Adopt a pelican.

6. Greece – Limit anarchistic tendencies to soccer victories.

5. Lindsay Lohan – Stop doing cocaine.

4. Lindsay Lohan – Only drive while sober.

3. Lindsay Lohan – Decide on sexual orientation.

2. Lindsay Lohan – Follow through with rehab.

1. Lindsay Lohan – Eat more fruits and vegetables.

– von Germanberg ’13 and Staff

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