Why Meatballs Kept Me From Achieving My Dreams: Sympathizing with Christine O’Donnell

While much has been made of the Delaware senate race that Christine O’Donnell just ran in, much has been made of her basic inability to skillfully hex anybody — despite her best efforts to become a witch after being rejected from Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and the Salem Witches’ institute in the late 1990s — and much has been made of her flawed understanding of human/ape relations, this commentator is convinced that the true impediment to a successful senate bid lay in meatballs.

Shortly after O’Donnell realized she was a Muggle, she tried becoming a Hare Krishna. She was ultimately unsuccessful, as she just couldn’t give up eating meat. “I’m Italian, and I love my mom’s homemade meatballs” O’Donnell was quoted as saying. (Among other things, notably, “hare, hare, …Harvey, got any marinara…. Krishna…. Sauce?” and “οm…. om… om…. nomnomnom…” )

This commentator speaks from experience, having had a vivid childhood dream crushed via gastronomic rules and regulations. I once dreamed of becoming an astronaut; however, the hideous thought of living off of freeze-dried ice cream and sucking down gallons (excuse me, liters… this is internationally standardized science, after all) of Tang was frustrating and depressing. I was willing to commit, however, in order to experience the glory of high-earth orbit, zero gravity, and extra-vehicular activities. However, upon learning that I could not sneak NASA contraband (Perrier) onto the spaceflight, or any other carbonated beverage for that matter, I was crushed. There was no way I could venture into space without my imported elixir of life — due to the fact that zero-gravity prevents the food and liquid from settling in your stomach and the lighter gases to exit via burping. Instead, you’d be puking everywhere, all of the time. And I’ll have you know, dear reader, that I’m terrified of puking.

Having a Senate candidate who could, as (founder of the Hare Krishna movement)  Srila Prabhupada said,  “systematically propagate spiritual knowledge to society at large and to educate all people in the techniques of spiritual life in order to check the imbalance of values in life and to achieve real unity and peace in the worldwould have been an incredible political shift for the U.S. Congress. But Christine was probably afraid of never experiencing the soul-warming, energizing pleasures of heartburn after a meal of spicy meatballs. And this is tragic, as what Congress needed more than anything was somebody to check the imbalance of values in life, instead of a soul-warming energetic member.

There’s too many of them already on top of Spaghetti Mountain (I’m sorry, I meant Capitol Hill). That’s probably the real reason she lost.

–LIS ’14

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