Newark, New Jersey– Faced with the choice between invasive, virtual “strip searches” and an aggressive “pat-down” procedure often compared to groping, many travelers at Newark Liberty International Airport have opted for the latter, considering it the lesser of two evils. Some have found the experience more than they bargained for – in a good way.
“Honestly, it felt great,” said Margaret Rodgers, a middle-aged divorcée on her way to Costa Rica with a group of self-described cougars. “My screener touched me in places I forgot even existed.”
“It’s true,” concurred travel companion Shana Banah. “Joe hit all the right spots. When did TSA’s customer service get so good? My pat-down was so thorough that I didn’t even notice when a screener confiscated my switchblade.”
Not only women have been singled out for special treatment. When asked about his experience, teenaged loner Timmy Thompson couldn’t stop smiling. “Gosh, I’ve never been fondled before this…now I see what all the fuss is about. Thanks, TSA!”
But some are unhappy with the new procedures, suggesting that the TSA may even be violating alleged rights. ACLU spokeswoman and perennial kill-joy Linda Goldfarb announced yesterday at a press conference, “The blatant and obscene molestation of law-abiding citizens must end. What happened to personal dignity? Has the government completely lost touch with reality?”
O. Soh Phat, owner of Terminal C’s Happy Lucky Massage U Nice, is also up in arms. “My business has declined over forty percent since the advent of TSA’s new screening protocols. How am I supposed to run a proper massage parlor when my customers can get happy endings for free just down the hall? This is outrageous.”
Mohammed Jenkins, an aspiring terrorist, was waived through security and did not have the opportunity to receive his pat-down. “Seriously?” he sputtered. “I spent six years celibate in Yemen for this? Hello! I’m right here, and I totally have a nipple bomb!”
When asked about the effects of TSA’s new procedures on local businesses, spokeswoman Euphelia Tuchus responded, “The TSA will take all necessary measures to keep our skies safe. And with a $7 billion budget, we recognize that taxpayers expect a little extra bang for their buck.”
It remains unclear whether TSA’s new pat-downs will withstand the rub and tug of war over their propriety. In the meantime, passengers continue to “opt out” by the thousands, excited by air security more than ever before.