There is something irrevocably wrong with you.
Let’s face it, if you didn’t collect YogaKitty calendars, or have a strange affinity for apricot Jell-o (that’s actually a thing), you would have a significant other at this very moment. On Friday nights you’d be doing deliciously dirty things on a beer pong table. On Saturday mornings you’d be lovingly scrubbing the dried beer off of each other’s backs. And on Saturday nights you’d probably switch to hooking up in a more hygienic venue, because beer-back takes a little while to get over, you know.
Instead, you’re telling your friends you’ve got a date with some guy named Kane, who has Robert Pattinson’s hair with none of the albino side effects. Translation? You’re sitting fully clothed inside a running shower, eating pints of Cherry Garcia, crying, and wondering where your life went so horribly, horribly wrong. Honestly, the turning point was probably the Cherry Garcia. What a poor life choice in favorite ice cream flavor.
All jokes aside, break-ups leave a large hole in our lives. Not in our hearts, but in our daily schedules! We now have hours in the day we never had before; hours that were once spent cheering on our boyfriend’s soccer match, or his live-action battle royale in the woods (shit has been weirder, I assure you). The question is – what do we do with the time not spent hanging out with someone who seems to like us for who we truly are? The following list provides ten suggestions of how to turn around your emotional wreck of a life.
10. Alcohol. It’s fun.
9. Drugs. THEY’RE FUNNER.
8. Collect Pez dispensers. Three words: Star Wars Edition.
7. Avoid studying too much. The “guys like girls with brains” crap was invented by girls at Harvard.
6. Avoid emotional eating. The “guys like girls with curves” crap was also invented by girls at Harvard.
5. Say hello to everyone you meet. No pun intended.
4. Say “no pun intended” after phrases from which you couldn’t possibly construe a pun.
3. Rick Astley Appreciation Society. (Turns out he will give you up).
2. Suddenly discover in yourself an intense, all-consuming desire to punch gushy couples in the face. And then just fucking do it.
1. I really only had nine things.
- AW ’14