Pierogi Haven Is Struggling

Goddamn delicious.

I’m telling you right now, we are not the problem here. We are not selling crap pierogies. I don’t think I am stepping out of line in saying that ours are the best goddamn pierogies in Central New Jersey. We still use the original recipe that great-grandfather brought across the Atlantic from Ukraine, clutched against his chest. We use nothing but the highest quality ingredients, and when you order a pierogi from us, we boil them up hot, fresh, and fast.

So when you come to me and try to tell me that people don’t want our cheese curd, cabbage, ground beef, and mushroom boiled dumplings served with their choice of sour cream, bacon bits, or melted butter, you’ll have to forgive me when I call you crazy.

And it’s not like that’s all we serve, either. We’ve got sweet prune pierogies for desert, a wide variety of cabbage side dishes, and hot borscht to help weather the harsh Jersey winter. And if you want something crazy in your pierogi, not only will we make it, we’ll put it right on the menu. That’s how we’ve gotten some of our most popular items, like the Soviet Bloch or the Sloppy Teodor. You haven’t lived until you’ve had a Sloppy Teodor extra sloppy.

It’s not like we haven’t tried to attract students. We extend our hours late on weekends, because after a long night of partying, who doesn’t crave boiled meats? Not only that, we shelled out and got our liquor license last year to bring in the over-21 crowd, and yet somehow we haven’t sold a single shot of vodka, served hot, with chopped carrots, onions, and peppercorns. It boggles the mind.  And we’re cheap. Our most expensive menu item is only 40 hryvnya. Cash only, though. And only in Ukranian hryvnya. It’s our policy.

I’m not going to lie, we are pretty deep in the red. Ha ha, you’re right, I guess that is a pun.

At least we’re doing better than those Korean fuckers over at Bulgogi Haven. Stir-fried marinated beef served with lettuce? Who wants to eat that shit?

-DJA ’13

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