Five Scenarios Where I Might Admit to Enjoying Taylor Swift’s New Album, “Speak Now”

Whilst Out on the Town I am out at the club when I am approached by a cute girl.  We hit it off immediately based on our mutual enjoyment of horticulture, tort reform, and the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Oklahoma!. I ask her if she wants to thumb wrestle, and she informs me that she only does this with men who enjoy listening to Taylor Swift. I coyly admit that I too enjoy the musical stylings of Ms. Swift, while making it clear to bystanders that I am only doing this for the thumb wrestle.  To my eternal shame, however, I have been secretly humming the lead single from Speak Now under my breath all night. Hiding this fact is the single greatest acting challenge of my career, and I later use it as the motivation in my successful audition for the part of Screech in Christopher Nolan’s gritty reboot of Saved By The Bell.

Whilst at a Wedding – I’ve zoned out at my best friend Dale’s wedding, thinking about how weird it would be if everyone turned into broccoli, and I am crushing people who are sitting really far away with my fingers.  All of a sudden, I hear the priest talking about Taylor Swift, and I leap out of the pew to exclaim that I too love that album. Unfortunately, the priest finishes his sentence with, “…or forever hold your peace.”  It’s awkward, but I manage to parlay it into a dramatic objection. It sort of makes my buddy Dale pretty angry, but he gets over it when I buy him a modest yacht with this really slick viewing deck.

Whilst Searching for Gum – I’m working on this particle accelerator doing math or whatever, when I have a nasty hankering for Juicy Fruit brand chewing gum. I run out to the vending machine, but I accidentally leave “The Story of Us” playing on my portable stereo system.  When I return, I find three distinguished scientists standing around my computer in distinguished tweed jackets, but they do not notice me.  They are grumbling and harumphing, as scientists are wont to do, and one of them says that this work is truly distinguished, harumph, and they will give it a Nobel Prize right now, but only if the man responsible will step forward. So I step forward, and they say, you listen to Taylor Swift? And I totally own up to it.

Whilst Spelunking – I’m spelunking in the deep caves of Western Bhutan with my good friend and faithful guide Thanmay Cavewalker when we hear a rumble off in the distance. Before I can incredulously exclaim, “Cave troll? Is that even a thing?” there is a cave troll, and it is very much a thing. Thanmay turns to me and hurriedly informs me that I must sing “Sparks Fly” to scare away the troll. I burst out in song, bravely facing down the troll, and Thanmay laughs because he’s just messing with me.  He blows his anti-troll whistle.  After the beast retreats back into the depths of the cave, I lecture Thanmay about how friendships should be based on trust, and he informs me that I looked like a total ass.

Whilst rocking out to it – Alone. In my room.

-JRV ’12

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