To Whom It May Concern:
Let me begin by thanking you so much for all you have done. Words cannot express my gratitude at your 24/7 efforts at returning me to my loved ones once more.
That being said, it seems like everyone except myself involved with this fiasco is going to profit somehow. The rescue workers look like heroes, the President gets to be on television worldwide, and my wife gets to pretend to be sad, even though I know that four-timing scamp is only trying to get more alimony in divorce court. So, if you ever want to see me out of the mine, and would like to avoid newspaper headlines reading “One Miner Remains: All Chileans Incompetent,” then I strongly suggest you follow these demands:
1.) Seeing as my soon-to-be-single wife is going to steal my worker’s comp in court, I am going to need a source of secondary income. That’s right, I am looking for a book deal. In the words of my personal idol, Rod Blagojevich, “[My experiences in the mine are] a fucking valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.” I hope to learn from Zen Master Blagojevich’s lessons, and also hopefully appear on the Celebrity Apprentice.
2.) I would like to have “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins playing as I emerge from the mine. I had a dream where that happened a few nights ago, and though I may have been hallucinating on all of these dangerous fumes, I think that would be epic.
3.) If you could toss down some Doritos into the pit, it would be much appreciated. Also, you keep sending down Spam, even though I have told you repeatedly that I require kosher meals.
4.) If you could also drop an Amazon Kindle™ down the mine, that would be dandy. I have grown bored of playing truth or dare with the other miners down here in the “Man Cave,” and would like to have some reading materials. If you could pre-load it with Thucydides, Homer, and “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie, that would be much appreciated.
5.) For the sake of irony alone, I would like Ferdinand Tönnies’ writings on Gemeinschaft in the mineshaft.
5) Okay, this isn’t a really a demand, but if Disney World needs a good idea for a scary yet informative children’s ride, I’ve got a good one! It’s called “Minor Miners.” It’s scary because kids spend three months hidden underground without light, but it’s also informative, because they will be learning tough lessons about mine safety and cooperating with sweaty older men in the process.
Mi Casa es Su Casa,