Council for the Preservation of A Cappella Declares Crisis

Last week, the heads of several prominent a cappella groups convened for the inaugural meeting of CPAC. Though the groups gloated last month about the deluge of innocents attempting to gain entry into their folds, in the past month, as every month, attendance at arch sings has not been as high as they would like. (For the uninitiated, arch sings are those events one receives Facebook invites to for Thursday and Saturday nights with poor dancing and cheesy songs, but that are not hosted at Colonial. It is advised for one to select “Remove This Event”.)

One president of an all-male a cappella group rose to say that “we have our super fans, our girlfriends, and…. No one else. Don’t they realize how essential this musical tradition is?”

“Yeah! I mean, do they think it’s easy to only be given starting pitches?! It’s so much easier to sing with accompaniment!” added the musical director of another group, standing proudly.

“For real! And sometimes that sounds better too! And you never have to worry about shitty beat boxing , or poorly choreographed dance moves, or forced audience participation, if you have drums and a longer, more interesting set list!” noted another girl.

“Second! And if we were in legitimate musical performance groups, we could pick based on talent, and not just looks!” said a member of one notoriously pretty group.

The mood in the room shifted, as many began contemplating the purpose of their groups, if no one on campus enjoyed them.

According to the secretary of CPAC, the group will not be meeting further, due to unforeseen existential crises.

– Thursty ’12

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