Breaking News: Majority Of Americans To Be Relocated To ‘Reeducation’ Camps

President Obama announced this morning that, in the wake of the midterm elections, a staggering number of Americans—well over fifty percent—will be compelled to undergo a mandatory “Reeducation” program at internment camps across the country.  The president went on to explain that the impetus for this new program is that, if the results from Election Night are any indication—as of this writing, Republicans gained 60 seats in the House and 6 in the Senate—the American public is largely in desperate need of enlightenment with respect to his accomplishments while in office.  He acknowledges that “people out there are still hurting very badly, and they are still scared,” but:

Part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now, and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time, is because we’re hard-wired not to always think clearly when we’re scared.[1]

Vice President Joe Biden echoed these sentiments, saying that the administration’s signature achievements, such as the stimulus, healthcare reform, and financial-regulatory reform, are “just too hard to explain” without proper context and information.[2]

To correct this unfortunate state of affairs, the president has decided to mandate these internment camps to better inform people of the truth and benefits of his policies.  Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, is believed to have inspired the branding behind this new initiative when she commented that “we have a lot of reeducation to do” with respect to the healthcare reform bill that passed earlier this year.[3]

Some in Congress have already heartily endorsed the president’s decision.  Senator John Kerry, D-MA, chimed in with his own assessment of voters’ delusional tendencies:

It’s absurd.  We’ve lost our minds. We’re in a period of know-nothingism in the country, where truth and science and facts don’t weigh in. It’s all short-order, lowest common denominator, cheap-seat politics.[4]

At least some of the press seems to be on board with the idea as well.  Eugene Robinson, a prominent columnist for The Washington Post and other publications, claimed that the election was not the manifestation of anything like a wave of public opinion, but rather a “temper tantrum,” and that “the American people [acted] like a bunch of spoiled brats.”[5]

When questioned about possible active resistance to his plan, the president simply smiled and responded, “There are some areas where my power is absolute.”[6] Obama was equally dismissive when reminded that Republicans had still, at the end of the day, recaptured the House and made significant gains in the Senate.  “We are going to have just hand-to-hand combat up here on Capitol Hill,” he assured the press.[7] “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.”[8]

Some in the president’s inner circle are worried about the ultimate success of the program, but at the very least, Joel Benenson (Obama’s lead pollster) remains confident, proclaiming that facts and truth will win out over “the fear-mongering rhetoric opponents are stoking today,”[9] even if it takes some extraordinary “tactics of persuasion.”

-James Clark ’14

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