North Korea Develops “Taunt Offensive”

Documents detailing a top-secret North Korean military program intended to weaponize common insults were published yesterday by several leading news organizations, including The New York Times, The Times in London, and What the Buck.

According to the reports, the program is preparing weapons of “taunt warfare,” designed to intimidate and aggravate opponents into submission with a blitzkrieg of taunts and insults. Besides its potential for defending North Korea’s borders, experts agree that taunt warfare may evolve into an all-out “taunt offensive” capable of paralyzing an unsuspecting target’s defensive response, a strategy sometimes referred to as “shock-and-awwww-that-was-kind-of-mean.”

Due to modern communication technology, the deployment of a single insult could reach millions of people around the world.

The reports were leaked by an anonymous North Korean official known only as “Sum Yung Guy” (the documents neither confirm nor deny whether the anonymous official has seen Wayne’s World). Mr. Sum states that he has become disillusioned while working on the military program in question as it “has the potential to redefine warfare forever.”

Mr. Sum’s reports describe how North Korean scientists have already mastered knock-knock jokes and have developed an entire array of “Nanny Nanny Boo Boo”-based tactical weapons. Despite these accomplishments, North Korean leaders are pushing for a more ambitious timetable and hope to both research and weaponize “Your Mother” jokes by April 1, 2011. North Korean scientists have already successfully reverse engineered the “Your mother is so fat” set-up and begun work on “Your mother is so stupid” insults. At this rate, analysts anticipate that North Korea will have experimental “Your mother” weapons by December, possibly sooner if MTV’s “Yo Momma” reruns fall into North Korean hands.

In anticipation of a possible strike, the Department of Homeland Security encouraged all Americans to stop being so sensitive and to tell all of their friends how thin they look.

Professor Bart Plumbeus of Princeton University urged immediate action, saying earlier today, “Taunt warfare will be the front lines of the next great arms race. If the United States refuses to take the North Korean threat seriously and begin its own taunt and countertaunt programs, then it is only a matter of time until North Korea harnesses nuclear fusion, reverses global warming, and unlocks all of the Easter Eggs in Halo: Reach.”

“Countertaunts, otherwise known as ‘comebacks,’ should be central for the nation’s military planning,” he continued. When asked what exactly would qualify as an effective comeback, Professor Plumbeus began mumbling something along the lines of “I don’t know…No, you’re stupid.”

– Collin Berger ’14

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