How I Would Use The Harry Potter Franchise

J.K. Rowling recently hinted to Oprah that she might consider writing more Harry Potter books. In the spirit of sucking any remaining life out of the franchise, here are some real-life products they might consider producing to support the new books:

Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Xanax — New flavors include cherry, dirt, and massive overdose. Now available as brightly-colored, child-friendly chewables!

The Firebolt — Exactly like in the book, but instead of a broom, it’s an intercontinental ballistic missile. This is mostly in case we ever manage to get Ahmadinejad to say “Accio Firebolt,” because that would be the most bitchin’ assassination ever.

Rememballs Glass spheres that remind you to be a man and grow a pair, when you are not doing so.

Sorcerer’s Stoned — This illicit substance can make you hear colors, feel invincible, and appreciate double rainbows.

Neville Longbottom’s Extra-Lengthy Toilet Paper Squares — Exactly what it sounds like.

Hedwig’s Headwigs — A new line of toupees fashioned after the owls of Harry Potter. Styles include Pigwidgeon, Errol, and dead Hedwig. (Comes with a vial of Daniel Radcliffe’s tears for added authenticity!)

Polygamous Potion — Heavily advertised in Utah and frat parties, this complicated concoction can incite men and women alike to appreciate the joys of multi-person sex. No cats.

The Sneakerscope — Just a kaleidescope that shows pictures of sneakers. Kind of dumb, really.

Flu Powder — Capable of being sent in envelopes. It’s just like anthrax, really, but, you know, the flu.

Time Tina Turner — A retrospective look at Tina Turner’s music, drug use, and marital drama–over, and over again, watched from behind the bushes and without being seen ’cause of Dumbledore’s timey-wimey bullshit.

Howler — Okay, we’ll be honest, it’s really just a megaphone with a Harry Potter logo on it. So sue us.

Ollivander’s Wand Shop — A wonderful place where Harry Potter fans can go to escape the crushing reality that there is no and never will be any magic.  The hourly fees are actually quite cheap, but there are steep extra charges for actors who pretend to be their friends.

-MG ’12 and JRV ’12

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