Washington DC– Federal Judge Virginia Phillips has granted a worldwide, immediate injunction prohibiting the Department of Defense’s ban on openly gay soldiers, including Asians, from serving in the military. Lt. Daniel Choi, an openly gay Asian man who had previously been honorably discharged under the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy re-enlisted in the US Army.
However, not everyone is so pleased. Several military and family values organizations have come forward in concern over the policy.
“I don’t care if they’re asian, that’s their business”, said retired General Aaron Pierce, “I just don’t want them to shove it in my face” Others have voiced concern that gay asians will be unable to perform in the military. “If I’m trying to avoid an IED [Improvised Exploding Device], said active Private James Daniels, “I want someone who knows how to drive.”
Bob Herbert from Christians for a Stronger Military voiced concerns about Asian Homosexual hygiene. “Gay Asians are infected with a very deadly virus, and if we allow them in the military it will spread. Of course, I am referring to SARS,” he said. “It is a punishment from God for their sexual sins. Of course, I am referring to scantily clad school girls and tentacle porn.”
Mark Warner, a representative of Focus on the Family voiced concern about what type of role models Gay Asians would serve. “I don’t think that Gay Asians share our traditional family values. Americans have big families, we know how to share for example. Asians on the other hand are used to the one-child policy of the People’s Republic of China, which really doesn’t fly here.” Kids look up to soldiers,” he continued, “and do we really want to send the message that gay Asians are valid role models? Don’t come crying to us when we raise a group of Confucius-quoting-karate-chopping kids who want rice instead of Cheerios.”
Other family groups have come forward to question the appropriateness of allowing Gay Asians to serve openly, given their actions outside of the military. “Their Lunar New-Year parades are out of control,” said conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly, “I can’t walk with my children in the street without dragons prancing around in my children’s faces. ” The appropriateness of Gay Asian popular culture, he noted, is also a concern. “They go around sprouting LOLCat this, Starcraft that, which I can only assume are references to vulgar and depraved sex acts.”
Republican Senatorial nominee Rand Paul noted that this decision is part of a larger Gay Asian agenda. “Look at our schools, already they are full of affirmative action subjects like science and math which legitimize the Gay Asian life-style and give a leg up in college admissions,” he said. The time has come for some truths, he indicated. “You aren’t born a Gay Asian. It’s a choice. You think they have to do that thing with their eyes? I promise you, as soon as everyone is gone, they just put them back to normal and laugh their asses off.”
The consensus is that the policy will have larger impacts on American society. “Next there will be gay couples adopting Asian babies.” said Schlafly. “I just see that as a waste of fine and nurturing American homes.”