In a stunning display of political remonstration, several dozen men proclaiming to be soldiers of the Confederate States of America have gone on a hunger strike – refusing to eat their daily ration of hard tack – in protest of their recent discovery that the Confederacy has surrendered, thus ending the War of Northern Aggression.
J. B. Stuart the IV – named after a Confederate general the group reveres and worships – is quoted as saying: “Us boys just thought we were a little behind the main ranks. We ain’t never thought the war against the Yankees was done and over with.”
The group of bedraggled men was spotted near Dulles International Airport attempting to climb one of the security fences surrounding the runways.
“We best thought that those air balloons,” Stuart stated referring to several Boeing 757s taking off, “were a tactical advantage for the Yankees, and we was trying to collect some intelligence on them.”
One of the men – after successfully scaling the fence – began to run vigorously after one of the planes as it taxied to the runway only to be thwarted in his attempt by a security agent riding in a golf cart.
He is reported to have said to the authorities: “I just ain’t never seen such a fine horse before in my life. Such a horse is worthy of the Confederate leader Jefferson Davis, himself.”
The men are now being held in a district jail, with bail set at $100 a piece. Several of the men attempted to pay for their release with replication Confederate money similar to that sold in gift shops. Their state-appointed lawyers did not respond to inquiries about their case, although the district judge did state their trial would start within the next month.
-EH ’14