Bhutan Acquires Thermonuclear Device; UN Scrambles To Find An Atlas

On Friday, King JigmeKhesarNamgyelWangchuck surprised the UN and the world when he revealed that the Kingdom of Bhutan has successfully assembled a fully operational long range thermonuclear device capable of striking the right eye of the Man on the Moon on a full moon night (experts say accuracy is “iffy” on waxing or waning gibbous nights). A recent video of the King christening the weapon on Wangchuck’s  Facebook profile confirms the claim.

“We were simply floored,” stuttered Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary-General of the UN, as he wiped his forehead and nervously laughed. “I mean, we expected Iran, but honestly,” he confidingly whispered, “I forgot Bhutan still showed up to meetings.” When asked what the plan was in such a situation, Ki-moon responded that the US and China were in “intense” discussions about potential sanctions, particularly on Bhutan’s flourishing sheep-wool industry.

The Kindgom of Bhutan, which lies “somewhere in Central Asia” according to US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, is about the size of New Jersey, Connecticut, and 721 sq. mi combined, and was once known by the name Lho Men Jong (southern land of medicinal herbs). At that time, Bhutan enjoyed a brief period of being noticed, as it was the place to be for Chinese looking for “medicinal herbs”, until the British flooded the place with opium. Not much is known about Bhutan, and the CIA is investigating the country intensively. A CIA operative, who only gave the name “Dr. Z”, said the agency was furiously reading Bhutan’s Wikipedia article, despite the President’s concern that “anyone can edit that thing!” Dr. Z added that his son had made a gold-star report on Countries of the World for 6th grade Geography, which was proving vital to learning more about this new rogue country.

What the world does know, however, is how this tiny country was able to assemble the device: thanks to Wal-Mart. The local Wal-Mart in Phuntsholing, a town in Bhutan, recorded a strangely high number of Thermos bottle sales in the months leading up to the device’s completion. After King Wangchuck’s announcement, Wal-Mart store officials identified the woman buying the Thermos’ to be international smuggler and mercenary extraordinaire, Hannah Solo. Since then, Solo has been apprehended by Interpol and has confessed to buying 1,548 Thermos bottles, which she used to smuggle weapons-grade uranium out of Chinese nuclear facilities. “The worst part was having to sip out of the bottles to keep my cover during breakfast,” croaked Solo. “But Thermos’ were perfect; with the vacuum seal, you hardly notice the alpha radiation!”

Bhutan physicists Igor Schnapk and WegmePhrither, with the help of Tony Stark, using the crude tools available to them in their primitive mountainside cave, converted the uranium into a triple stage, 103.4 megaton thermonuclear warhead, fitted into a 200 ft. tall, 4,200 kN intercontinental ballistic missile. Nuclear weapons expert Richard Rhodes said of the weapon, “103.4 megatons is very difficult to visualize, so instead imagine three rabid hamsters for every species of coniferous North American trees, each in a hamster ball connected to one giant generator, and each hamster ball generates about twenty watts of power each. Now imagine President Obama, Ghandi, and the Kenyan guy who won that race, each running in a human-sized hamster ball connected to an opposing generator, like 10 feet away from the other one. Then the two generators unleash the electrical energy in two lightning bolts, which are probably blue and red, respectively, which meet in the middle to create a rippling blue and red energy ball, which powerfully flickers and grows for a few seconds until it violently explodes into a giant purple lightning cloud which destroys everything in a 10 mile radius. The 103.4 megaton bomb is about three times as powerful as that.”

King Wangchuck, when asked what his intention was in creating the weapon, stated, “The Kingdom of Bhutan simply wishes to be in the group of distinguished nations like the US, Russia, and China, who would never think of using their nuclear power unfairly and esteem to the highest form of justice and honor.”

“Also, we’re sick of a certain someone dumping pollution in our rivers,” added Wangchuck, while glaring at the Chinese ambassador.

Many experts have different opinions on King Wangchuck’s motivation in acquiring the weapon. “He’s obviously compensating for something here,” said psychologist Robert Harrison in an interview, winking. “Right?” winking grotesquely, and seeing no response, sighing heavily. “His penis. I am referring to the size of his penis.”

Until the world learns more of the Kingdom of Bhutan and King Wangchuck’s demands, not much can be done about the situation. In the meantime, the United States is researching the possibility of a hamster-driven super-weapon that can rival Bhutan’s power. The only thing you and your families can do until that is finished is to raid the nearest grocery store, take as many canned goods as possible, and head to the nearest fallout shelter. Kill anyone who gets in the way.

JD ’14

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