PITTSBURGH – Atlanta dropped to second place in the barely competitive NL East last week after a stunning 5-0 loss to a small team from somewhere just north of the Mason-Dixon line. After 6 1/3 scoreless innings, Braves ace Tim Hudson gave up an RBI double to a small Venezuelan man, opening the gates for a blowout 7th. Hudson seemed surprised at his late inning breakdown, as he has never once played for the division-rival Mets.
“I really didn’t think it was a bad pitch, but I guess that kid was just sitting fastball. He might make it in the bigs someday, especially if he gets a good translator.”
Post game reports differed on the composition of the unknown squad.
Chris Berman’s mustache identified the opposition’s starting pitcher as a young man named James. The team’s jerseys appeared antiquated and seemed make some sort of reference to privateering. John Madden, guest starring on Tony Reali’s shitshow Around the Horn, pointed out that the unidentified organization is likely a baseball team, as they wore matching caps. Braves manager Bobby Cox did not seem particularly perturbed at the loss.
“You know, sometimes it happens. A bunch of high school kids have a good day. Every now and again sports’ losingest franchise wins a game. Whatever. New York’s bullpen will participate in their team-wide annual choking ritual next week. The Nationals are just going to re-injure that guy they spent their stimulus package on and the Marlins can’t play in cold weather. I really don’t see much competition in this division.”
As of press time, baseball’s only Pennsylvania franchise retains a one game lead over the Braves.