1. He’s only talking to me for my boobs.
…True. But it could be worse. He could be talking to you for your personality.
2. He’s only hooking up with me for my boobs.
…Still true. But it could be worse. He could be hooking up with you for your personality. And then he’d just be gay.
3. I talk way too much in my precept.
Yeah. Stop it. It’s really annoying.
4. I think my face looks fatter today than it did yesterday.
Just because the froyo is Vegan doesn’t mean it has no calories, three-scoop McGee.
5. Upperclassmen will only think I’m cool if I can down large amounts of alcohol in a short period of time.
Well, you better get started. If you don’t come home tomorrow morning with collapsed veins and in desperate need of a stomach pump, we’ll all know you bitched out.
6. I feel like I don’t belong here.
I imagine it would feel unnatural to be sitting on my bed, crying, and spilling Pizza-licious Pringle crumbs everywhere, yeah.
7. I’m going to the gym! Want to come?
No.
8. Is my music bothering you?
No! I love the way your “cOlLeGe” playlist blends angry chick rock, Disney ballads, and live acoustic versions of current pop hits.
9. Are you being sarcastic?
Is Evolution real?
10. No?
You’re goddamn right. Now go to EEB and make me proud.
-Abby Williams