On Running A Country

There are many campus publications that give suggestions on how America or other countries should be run; they provide a much-needed voice for the Ivy League elitist constituency that is so often ignored in our government. (One wonders what a country we would have if only it were run by Ivy Leaguers!) We here at Tiger were inspired by these publications, and since we love giving advice about topics about which we know absolutely nothing, here’s what we would do if we suddenly usurped power in any country: (Except San Marino, because fuck San Marino.)

  1. Nationalize the Chocolate Industry. With control of one of the economy’s most essential assets, we would be able to show other industries how to be run well. And we’d eat a shitload of chocolate. Mostly, it’s the second reason.
  2. Give Stephen Seagal the position of director of homeland security or equivalent position. This will immediately protect the nation from further usurping of power by other college humor publications. If needed, offer him a role in Under Siege 3, and keep postponing it.
  3. Give your Secretary of State a badass image. If Clint Eastwood was Secretary of State, would anyone declare war on you? No. Nobody would. Nobody feels lucky.
  4. Borrow a ton of money from the Chinese and just when it seems like an unbearable deficit, usurp your own government but keep the same leaders. It’s magic! The Republic of ____ doesn’t exist anymore so it can’t pay China back and Democratic Republic of ____ inherits a country with a lot of sweet shit. Repeat as needed, unless the country you take power is China. In which case, borrow from San Marino. Again, fuck San Marino.
  5. The key to a stable economy is infrastructure. Use Tiger Mag’s Patented New Transportation Technology to solve your traveling needs! We suggest that the main method of transportation is a large network of water slides. You wouldn’t need cars and you would make your country a giant tourist destination. Also, wedgies would lose their stigma once everyone has them.
  6. Start a war to gain some street cred. Preferably, this would be done to a small country that has no army and no defensive pacts. Should they happen to be landlocked, or if they have a population of less than 35,000 people, that should make things much easier… All right! Fuck it! We’ll just say it! Declare war on San Marino!
  7. Get a solid cash flow. Realistically, step four can only be done so many times. The best way to do this is to have a solid industry (aside from midget prostitution) develop in your country. For example, create a tourist trap by stacking a bunch of rocks on top of each other for 3500 years or create a tax haven and allow the wealthy of other countries avoid their responsibilities as a citizen. We recommend doing step four a bunch of times until you can amass enough wealth to buy a bunch of pretty paintings and throw ‘em in a building.
  8. Stop listening to the United Nations. None of the cool countries do because all cool countries are maverick countries. Disagree with random things that would normally pass really quickly. “You want to make this guy Secretary to the Deputy Vice Secretary-General? Hell no!”
  9. Get an indigenous species endangered, preferably a small, insignificant insect. The Tiny Green Polka Dotted Mite is endangered? Oh no! Send an NGO with a couple million pronto! (Suckers). When they forget about it and you took all their money, repeat with some other bug no one really cares about.
  10. Pollute as necessary. If you’re a country in the tundra, global warming is probably a good thing, so you can make sure to leave your lights on and burn garbage. Otherwise, make millions of dollars suing nations for raising the sea level.
  11. Never tell your subordinates that they’re doing a “heck of a job.” Ever.
  12. Dress appropriately. As Head of State, you create an image for your country. If you need to, put on some high heeled shoes and get the haircut that makes you look like a lesbian in a rock band. You may not be taken seriously, but all publicity is good publicity.

Steve Holt

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