Groundbreaking Judicial Opinion: Congress “Pansies” On Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

In a landmark judicial opinion, several district judges yesterday proclaimed that “Judges rule, politicians drool.” District Judge Ronald Leighton, writing for the majority, went on to sharply critique the Congress, leveling the charge that “the whole bowing to the will of the people thing just means they’re pansies.”

Leighton’s opinion follows his recent decision that an Air Force flight nurse’s dismissal under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) was unconstitutional. Another judge writing in support was District Judge Virginia Phillips, who last month ruled on the policy, declaring it in its entirety to be unconstitutional. The Senate, on the other hand, recently failed to pass a bill repealing DADT.

As a body, the judges claimed that given the elected leadership’s failure to show “any balls, like, at all,” America was “damn lucky to not be just a pure Athenian democracy.”

Leighton elaborated, explaining that “The republican nature of our Constitution arises from the Framers’ fear of majority rule running rampant over minority rights, bitches.”

“So get your shit together, Congress,” he concluded.

Senators offered various reasons for filibustering the bill.

“Well, I’ve always supported repeal of DADT, but the procedure meant I didn’t get to talk about Arkansas, so clearly I had to join the Republican filibuster,” explained Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR).

“Sure I can be kind of moderate sometimes, but the Religious Right is scary. Sometimes I still check to make sure Pat Robertson isn’t hiding under my bed at night,” said Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA).

“I just don’t like gay people,” said Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX).

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