The 14 Best Ways To Die

Dying should be a memorable occasion. Anyone can lie calmly in bed and pass away with “dignity,” but it takes a true innovator to grab headlines with his explosive departure to the great beyond. If you want your gravestone to be the least of the marks your death leaves on the world, consider the following:

The More Dangerous Game: Alone and unarmed, pit your human wit and speed against the feral fury of a panther. The panther invariably wins by a wide margin.

The Princess Diana: After a high profile marriage and divorce, hire a hitman to slam you off the highway, Twisted Metal style. Bonus points for driving in the wrong lane.

The San Francisco Princess Diana: The same, but whilst ghost riding the whip.

The Buddha: Seal yourself alone under the ground with no food or water. Prepare to reach enlightenment with a proper set of robes (monastic garb can be found in most New Jersey thrift stores). Meditate until regret sets in. Claw futilely at the dirt until things run their course.

The Congo Journalist: Use your imagination.

The Vercetti: Spend your savings on your body weight in cocaine, highly illegal firearms, and a Hawaiian shirt. Recreate Grand Theft Auto: Vice City to the best of your abilities.

The Lovecraft: Glimpse beyond reality’s veil, and realize that at any moment entities far beyond your feeble imagination will arrive and put humanity through torments unheard of in any vision of hell. After spiraling downwards into madness, find an appropriate cult for your self-sacrifice.

The Romantic: Woo a member of the opposite sex over the course of six months. Provide them with fairy tale levels of love, support, and admiration. On the first day of the seventh month, propose. During the engagement period, take a whirlwind tour around the exotic locales of the world, growing closer together over each mile. Only return to your country of origin on the day of the wedding. When the priest says “Till Death Do You Part”, look pensive, shrug, and put your concealed magnum in your mouth. Wink at your would-be-spouse, and pull the trigger.

The Kobayashi: Cram hot dogs into your body until your heart stops out of spite.

The Postmodernist: Perform a World War I-themed interpretive dance in front of a funeral home. After drawing a crowd, break into an off-key cover of “Living on a Prayer” while assistants hand out copies of Tristan Tzara’s poetry among the audience. After reaching the chorus, reveal the vest of dynamite hidden under your overcoat. Continue singing until snipers dispatch you.

The Purist: Bring a knife to a gunfight.

The Monotheist: Start a cult. Get eliminated by the world’s largest empire. Return three days later.

The Satirist: Inflame the anger of scores of readers by making light of personal tragedy.

The Chronos: Eat healthily and exercise daily over a ninety-year period. Never miss an appointment with your doctor. Avoid unnecessary risks and carry a firearm for your personal protection. Watch as your body slowly fails you. Claw at every strand of extra time. Die anyway.

-Dennard Dayle

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