Are You Pursuing Him Too Hard? Cosmo Tells It Like It Is!
1) You know he’ll be at his regular coffee shop at his regular time. What do you do?
a. Put on a cute top and a big smile and run into him! Maybe you’ll start up a witty conversation and who knows, he could ask for your phone number!
b. Get there early and hide behind a column; when he walks in, slip roofies into his coffee, drag him out back, tie him up, throw him into your SUV and sweep him away to a romantic weekend in a backwoods cabin at a Vermont B&B.
c. Make coffee. Stare at it a while. Pour the coffee down the drain because it reminds you of him. Make coffee. Stare at it a while. Throw your chair through the window. Pour the coffee down the drain because it reminds you of him.
2) It’s the end of the night after a fun date, and you’re standing on your doorstep with him. What’s your next move?
a. Invite him upstairs—you had a great time and he’s really cute, who knows where things could go from there?
b. As he leans in for a kiss, detonate the car bomb you placed under his dashboard. Put a single finger to his lips to silence the sobs, and ask him, “Need a place to stay?” while giggling flirtatiously.
c. You wake up when your yowling cat Mr. Kibbles lands on your face, and realize the date only happened in your dream. This is because you have like 50 cats and haven’t left your house since the end of the Cold War.
3) You’re getting ready to hang out with him and a bunch of his friends. How much effort do you put into your appearance?
a. Just a few swipes of mascara and a spritz of perfume. You want to seem like the low-maintenance girl-next-door who can just relax with the boys.
b. Slather yourself in those incredibly expensive Yak pheromones you imported from Tibet that are meant to make you irresistible to males (unfortunately, they aren’t human-specific). You want him and all his friends to literally fight to the death over you; then you’ll have him right where you want him.
c. You muster up the courage to finally look into the mirror you’ve hidden in the back of your closet after seven years, but scream at your reflection, which promptly shatters. With some relief, you resign yourself to another seven years of not being able to leave your house because of “bad luck.”
Results? Check them out here!
Mostly A’s: You’re a fun, secure girl who knows that she doesn’t have to put on airs to get her Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet. Trust your judgment, and go for it, girlfriend!
Mostly B’s: Girl, you might know what you want–but you’re going about getting it in all the wrong ways. Tone down the crazy, and let him work for it a little. Next time you run into him, don’t be the one to start up a conversation, let him slip the tracking device into your bag. He’ll be watching you while you sleep and threatening to jump off a a Ferris Wheel if you don’t go out with him, before you even know it!
Mostly C’s: Really? Time to enter the real world, Emily Dickinson. Lather on some sunscreen (at least SPF 45, how do you think your mom still has such great skin?), suck on a vodka popsicle for some ice-cold, refreshing courage (see our delicious summer recipe on p. 178!), and put yourself out there! You can’t succeed if you never try.
-MG ’12 and JRV ’12