The Ten Commandments Writer’s Room

Uriel: Hail! Fellow Archangels! Champions of Paradise! Lieutenants of the Lord of creation!

Gabriel: Can we drop the epic poetry lingo? This thing is due in an hour.

Raphael: It’s not the time.

Gabriel: All we’ve come up with is “Thou shall keep the Sabbath Holy”. And I only wrote that to give us an extra day to finish this.

Michael: It was my idea.

Gabriel: Yes, but you wanted to call it “Michael Day”. That wasn’t happening.

Uriel: We should throw in some lip-service. The big guy plans on having a son, right?

Michael: What? Are you trying to get promoted or something? We’re already archangels. This is as far as it goes.

Uriel: Michael, the adults are talking. As I was saying, “Honor thy father”. It’ll be a hit.

Gabriel: Good idea.

Uriel: Of course it is. I am the angel closest to the Lord, you know.

Michael: Okay, how about “Uriel shall not be an egotistical douchebag.”

Uriel: How about “Michael shall shut his mouth before someone shuts it for him.”

Gabriel: How about “Thou shalt stop arguing and get back to work or Gabriel shall start shoving flaming swords up asses.”

Two minutes of silence.

Gabriel: That’s what I thought.

Michael: I could take him.

Uriel: Here we go.

Raphael: Let’s not do this.

Michael: I could totally take him. I led the armies of heaven, but he’s the one who gets all the lip service from mortals. Bullshit.

Gabriel: Whenever you’re ready for a long fall, buddy.

Raphael: Can’t we work together peacefully? For once?

Michael: Nobody likes you Raphael. More people know about the goddamn Ninja Turtle.

Raphael: What’s a ninja turtle?

Michael: See, you can’t even see the future. Lame.

Raphael: Oh really? I can heal people. Can you?

Michael: Yes.

Uriel: As the fir—

Michael: Shut the fuck up.

Uriel: —st Angel—

Michael: Say it one more time and I’m stabbing you in the neck.

Uriel: No you won’t. “Thou shall not kill.”

Michael: What?

Uriel: I just wrote it on the tablet. It has the force of divine law.

Michael: Give me that!

Uriel: “Thou shall not steal.” Bam.

Raphael: Are you just going to watch this?

Gabriel: At least they’re making progress.

Michael: Maybe I should see if Zeus is hiring. The Olympians know how to treat a soldier with respect.

Uriel: “Thou shall have no other Gods before me.”

Michael: I swear to fucking God—

Uriel: “Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain.” You were saying?

Michael: Nothing. Just that I’ve been spending a lot of time with that Seraphim you’ve had your eyes on.

Uriel: Ezra?

Michael: She showed me paradise, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about sex, if you don’t. Copulating. Knocking boots. Screwing around. Procreation. The diagonal tango.

Raphael: Don’t you mean horizontal tango?

Michael: You really don’t know how to use these powers at all, do you?

Uriel: I can’t believe this! “Thou shall not commit adultery.”

Michael: Getting a bit trigger-happy, aren’t you?

Uriel: Am I? I’ll take it step further: “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

Gabriel: What?! You wasted commandment on thinking about cheating? Give me that tablet before you idiots ban jaywalking.

Raphael: I hope you two realize that you’ve managed to irreparably complicate human sexuality in under two minutes.

Uriel: I might have gotten a bit carried away.

Raphael: Quite.

Michael: You still suck.

Raphael: *whispers in Gabriel’s ear*

Gabriel: “Thou shall not bear false witness.”

Michael: It’s the horn, okay? I’ve always been jealous of the damn horn. Everyone else got stuck with generic harps that haven’t been tuned since Genesis, and he gets a horn. It’s not fair.

Uriel: Ha!

Gabriel: Oh no, you’re not getting off scot-free. I know all about the statues you’re having built in Nubia. “Thou shall not make for yourself an image of anything that is in heaven above.”

Uriel: Not even one?

Gabriel: Did I stutter?

Michael: I think that makes ten. We’re done.

Gabriel: Finally…

Raphael: Don’t you think we could have fit something in there about tolerance? Promoting progress? Or at least packaged in a few hints about the meaning of life?

Michael: Nah. Those humans look pretty sharp. I’m sure they’ll be able to figure out the important details themselves.

Raphael: Really?

Michael: No. But I’m tired, and sick of looking at your faces.

Gabriel: What he said. Now let’s get this thing to Charlton Heston.

-Dennard Dayle ’13

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