How Lady Gaga Convinced Beyonce To Do The ‘Telephone’ Music Video

Lady Gaga: Hey, Beyonce.

Beyonce: Are you Lady Gaga or a talking pile of bubble wrap?  It is difficult to tell these days.

Lady Gaga: Gaga.  So I have this idea.  For a video.  It’s pretty weird.

Beyonce: Like, normal weird or you weird?

Lady Gaga: Me weird.

Beyonce: The rational part of my brain is telling me to run away.  Please continue.

Lady Gaga: Remember my video for ‘Paparazzi’?

Beyonce: The one where you killed that Swedish guy and dressed up like a dude from My Chemical Romance?

Lady Gaga: Yeah, that one.

Beyonce: So you want to do another one like that?

Lady Gaga: Yes. Except I want to kill everyone.

Beyonce: Sounds reasonable.  Please tell me more.

Lady Gaga: Well first I want to go to lady prison.

Beyonce: Fun! Although an orange jumpsuit seems a little tame for you…

Lady Gaga: I know, I was thinking more like caution tape, glasses made of lit cigarettes, and Diet Coke cans for hair rollers.

Beyonce: Okay, so what do you want me to do?

Lady Gaga: Pick me up from jail.

Beyonce: That sounds surprisingly normal.

Lady Gaga: Yup. In the Pussy Wagon.

Beyonce: The Pus—.

Lady Gaga: And then we kill people.

Beyonce: Naturally.

Lady Gaga: A whole diner full of them.  With poisoned mayonnaise sandwiches.

Beyonce: This sounds like a reasonable use of my talents.

Lady Gaga: I’m telling you, this is going to be all like Michael Jackson.

Beyonce: In that you will create a video that is indelibly etched on the collective consciousness of pop, forever a part of our societal lexicon?

Lady Gaga: I was more into the “going insane” part.

Beyonce: Okay. I dig.  So after we make poison sandwiches, can we dance?

Lady Gaga: Well, duh.

Beyonce: And could you edit the video all jerky so that it looks like we’re having seizures?

Lady Gaga: You don’t think that would be too much? Okay. Totally doable.

Beyonce: I would be into that.  So what is the actual song about again?

Lady Gaga: Well, I get called while I am in the club.

Beyonce: So you go all Ted Bundy?

Lady Gaga: Nah.  I don’t answer.

Beyonce: You don’t answer.

Lady Gaga: I pretend I have bad reception, you see.

Beyonce: So your video for a song about pretending not to have cell service involves naked lady-jail, epilepsy dancing, vehicles named after female body parts, glasses that look like the offspring of Kanye West and the Marlboro man, and poison mayonnaise sandwiches.

Lady Gaga: I think it’s technically Miracle Whip.  But basically yeah.

Beyonce: Yeah, cool.

Lady Gaga: Cool.

Beyonce: Okay.

Lady Gaga: I had horrible parents.

If you haven’t seen ‘Telephone’, don’t.  You’re probably a better person for it.  Seriously, bro, just leave it alone.

-JRV ’12

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