Lady Gaga: Hey, Beyonce.
Beyonce: Are you Lady Gaga or a talking pile of bubble wrap? It is difficult to tell these days.
Lady Gaga: Gaga. So I have this idea. For a video. It’s pretty weird.
Beyonce: Like, normal weird or you weird?
Lady Gaga: Me weird.
Beyonce: The rational part of my brain is telling me to run away. Please continue.
Lady Gaga: Remember my video for ‘Paparazzi’?
Beyonce: The one where you killed that Swedish guy and dressed up like a dude from My Chemical Romance?
Lady Gaga: Yeah, that one.
Beyonce: So you want to do another one like that?
Lady Gaga: Yes. Except I want to kill everyone.
Beyonce: Sounds reasonable. Please tell me more.
Lady Gaga: Well first I want to go to lady prison.
Beyonce: Fun! Although an orange jumpsuit seems a little tame for you…
Lady Gaga: I know, I was thinking more like caution tape, glasses made of lit cigarettes, and Diet Coke cans for hair rollers.
Beyonce: Okay, so what do you want me to do?
Lady Gaga: Pick me up from jail.
Beyonce: That sounds surprisingly normal.
Lady Gaga: Yup. In the Pussy Wagon.
Beyonce: The Pus—.
Lady Gaga: And then we kill people.
Beyonce: Naturally.
Lady Gaga: A whole diner full of them. With poisoned mayonnaise sandwiches.
Beyonce: This sounds like a reasonable use of my talents.
Lady Gaga: I’m telling you, this is going to be all like Michael Jackson.
Beyonce: In that you will create a video that is indelibly etched on the collective consciousness of pop, forever a part of our societal lexicon?
Lady Gaga: I was more into the “going insane” part.
Beyonce: Okay. I dig. So after we make poison sandwiches, can we dance?
Lady Gaga: Well, duh.
Beyonce: And could you edit the video all jerky so that it looks like we’re having seizures?
Lady Gaga: You don’t think that would be too much? Okay. Totally doable.
Beyonce: I would be into that. So what is the actual song about again?
Lady Gaga: Well, I get called while I am in the club.
Beyonce: So you go all Ted Bundy?
Lady Gaga: Nah. I don’t answer.
Beyonce: You don’t answer.
Lady Gaga: I pretend I have bad reception, you see.
Beyonce: So your video for a song about pretending not to have cell service involves naked lady-jail, epilepsy dancing, vehicles named after female body parts, glasses that look like the offspring of Kanye West and the Marlboro man, and poison mayonnaise sandwiches.
Lady Gaga: I think it’s technically Miracle Whip. But basically yeah.
Beyonce: Yeah, cool.
Lady Gaga: Cool.
Beyonce: Okay.
Lady Gaga: I had horrible parents.
If you haven’t seen ‘Telephone’, don’t. You’re probably a better person for it. Seriously, bro, just leave it alone.
-JRV ’12