The FCC Goes Balls To The Wall

kick13The FCC released a statement today stating it will crack down on the abuse of testicular trauma in motion pictures beginning in the year 2010. Chairman of the organization, Julius Genachowski, was quoted as saying, “We all have our favorite nut tap moments: the bowling ball in Home Alone – such a classic – and in Dodgeball – I mean that’s a given – but have you ever been hit in the balls? It really hurts. Like, a lot.”

Attention was brought to the subject by testicular activist Oprah Winfrey. In an interview given outside of the FCC chambers, Winfrey explained: “Since I’m retiring from television, I’ve taken up a lot of causes that affect me on a personal level.” When asked why she chose to focus on balls, Winfrey was reflective: “I feel so privileged to be able to use my celebrity to make the world a better place–whether it is through giving cars to the needy, or intact testicles to the deprived.”

Winfrey claims that while a solid blow to a man’s genitalia may be comical in a theatrical setting, the sub-conscious effects of such imagery could have consequences both long-lasting and far-reaching in the minds of our nation’s youths.

Critics voiced opposition to the decision in a large gathering of about seventeen people outside of the hearing. Outspoken pro-BTT (Blunt Testicular Trauma) demonstrator Harry Sachs spearheaded the colorful protest with images too graphic to be printed in this family magazine. Sachs, in a speech to his fellow supporters, proclaimed, “When I was a kid, it wasn’t a funny movie unless someone got a good punch to the junk. Call me old fashioned, but I refuse to let my children grow up in a society that oppresses their First Amendment rights to see such hilarity in theaters. I mean we could watch America’s Funniest Home Videos instead, but we’d still like to be able to laugh too…”

The fact remains however, that the complacency with which America faces this momentous instance of censorship is frightening. Wife and mother of three, Trisha Ball has written several letters to her state representative on the matter.

“It’s scary how little interest people have in the affair. I’ve got three little Balls, and I don’t want them to feel pressured. By abiding by this morally bankrupt standard in comedy, Hollywood is telling kids it’s ok to hit each other in the no-no spot. My three have such a heavy load already (soccer, Boy Scouts, homework, etc.), the last thing I want is them sweating about their security.”

This sentiment is shared by many. Will the future of America be one of constant paranoia? Will sporting good stores be able to cope with the skyrocketing demand for cups? Will comedians have to replace their age old cliché? Hopefully the FCC’s decision is the first step of many to safeguard our nation’s crotches. One can only hope that the coming years will still be full of laughs, even if they are not at the expense of the family jewels.

-Jack Zitoff

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