1. Attempt to sleep through screeching alarm.
2. Awaken all roommates and one-night stands.
3. Hastily grab mismatched shoes.
4. Pick a nice coat. Take your time here, it’s better to die stylishly.
5. Stumble down steps.
6. Return for laptop
7. Run down steps for dear life.
8. Realize some bored punk pulled the fire alarm.
9. Take a donation from your roommate’s wallet.
10. Put on headphones and get back to sleep.
Alternatively, if it’s a real fire… (it’s not.)
8. Stay close to ground to avoid suffocating on smoke.
9. Find primary exits blocked by flaming wreckage.
10. Pray to your dead gods.
11. Write pseudo-witty last words before blacking out.
12. Receive poorly built memorial.
-Dennard Dayle ’13