Just in time for four days after Valentine’s Day, Tiger was lucky enough to stumble upon the spirit of St. Valentine, a Roman Catholic martyr, who was stoned after trying to convert the Roman Emperor Claudius. We promptly recorded an interview… and forgot to set up the microphone to record the interviewer. Here’s the transcript of what we have:
Q.
St. Valentine: I’m fantastic! I’m excited, most people are too shy to ask me for interviews.
Q.
S.V.: Well, I’m just glad that they hold an international festival in my name. After doing everything I did, you know, marrying a Christian couple against the law, restoring sight and hearing to the daughter of my jailer after I got caught and tried to make the biggest empire of the world Christian… you know, no big freaking deal. I’m fine with a good humble holiday in what otherwise would be a pretty boring month.
Q.
S.V.: My favorite part about the holiday? I’m a big fan of just being remembered. It’s great that people sacrifice things for me and stuff, and I like this immortality in heaven deal. It’s pretty sweet. This year, the sacrifices were excellent.
Q.
S.V.: I’m sorry?
Q.
S.V.: So who do the chocolates go to?
Q.
S.V.: And the flowers?
Q.
S.V.: You’re kidding me.
Q.
S.V.: No, really. You’re fucking kidding me.
Q.
S.V.: Am I on Punk’d? Where’s Ashton Kutcher? He’s got to be around here somewhere.
Q.
S.V: Ha, stop messing with me. I know St. Peter and I can mess with you when it’s your time. I’m a pretty big deal.
Q.
S.V.: Fuck me! So after de-Helen-Kellerifying the daughter of the guy who put me in prison for being a fucking saint, I get a holiday where drunken teenagers drunkenly hook up and have drunken promiscuous sex?
Q.
S.V.: “Basically?” You’re honestly telling me you sons of bitches gave me a holiday about passion?
Q.
S.V.: Calm down? I just figured out why St. John keeps calling me a “loving, passionate” guy all the time in that annoying voice of his. They kept me out of the loop about this for about 1000 years? What about the hearts? I thought they were giving their hearts to me! And the parties? Wait, what do the green, yellow and red stickers mean, then?
Q.
S.V.: Seriously?
Q.
S.V.: You’re all going to hell. I thought “will you be my Valentine” meant “You’re my hero,” not “I want to have ridiculous monkey sex with you with chocolate flavored whatevers.”
Q.
S.V. They have chocolate flavored whats?
Q.
S.V.: Son of a bitch.
RM ’13