Archive for February, 2010

The FCC Goes Balls To The Wall

The FCC released a statement today stating it will crack down on the abuse of testicular trauma in motion pictures beginning in the year 2010. Chairman of the organization, Julius Genachowski, was quoted as saying, “We all have our favorite nut tap moments: the bowling ball in Home Alone – such a...
February 27th, 2010 | Entertainment | Read More

The Tribe Files for Tax-Exempt Status

PRINCETON, NJ — An exclusive group of freshman girls who call themselves “The Tribe” filed a lawsuit this week against the federal government, demanding that the group be exempted from all sales taxes — in particular those levied during frequent spiritual journeys to J. Crew. The leader...
February 23rd, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Top Ten Old Money Names

Henry Winston Morganthal V Burberry Louise Castermann Chino Polo Spumoni Jameson Winnifred “Spencer” Watson Xylophone Jones Coolant Jr. (Pronounced Huxley Arbeit Meuthe) Gail-Anne Elthorp Beryl Hanna Baumminster Pia Alexandria Smithson-Hannah Skeffington William Fuller –LIS ’14
February 23rd, 2010 | Life | Read More

How to Write a Paper About Nothing

Writing classes tell students a lot of things. A great many of these things are true, if you’re one of those outmoded models with a “drive to learn” (it hurts to type it) or are one of the poor souls to major in a topic with the word “literature” attached to it. For the rest of us, a different...
February 22nd, 2010 | How-To | Read More

Rejected Fire Alarm Procedure

1. Attempt to sleep through screeching alarm. 2. Awaken all roommates and one-night stands. 3. Hastily grab mismatched shoes. 4. Pick a nice coat. Take your time here, it’s better to die stylishly. 5. Stumble down steps. 6. Return for laptop 7. Run down steps for dear life. 8. Realize some bored punk...
February 21st, 2010 | Life, Pamphlets | Read More

An Interview with St. Valentine

Just in time for four days after Valentine’s Day, Tiger was lucky enough to stumble upon the spirit of St. Valentine, a Roman Catholic martyr, who was stoned after trying to convert the Roman Emperor Claudius. We promptly recorded an interview… and forgot to set up the microphone to record...
February 18th, 2010 | Fiction/Poetry | Read More

Discrimination By (Lack of) Sex

Affirmative action is a contentious policy. Of late, women and African Americans such as Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, and Barack Obama have modeled visible progress, so proponents of affirmative action have reason to be ecstatic. Yet as discrimination in the workforce becomes less and less acceptable,...
February 16th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Computer Engineer Barbie Creates Unrealistic Expectations for Women, Engineers

“I really like programming, but I’ll never be pretty enough to be a computer engineer.”  Heather Rogers, like countless other 6-12 year old girls, is part of the next generation of victims in Mattel’s 50-year crusade against women in the workplace.  When computer engineer was...
February 15th, 2010 | Life | Read More

Breakup Leaves Man’s Heart, Refrigerator Cold And Empty

The devastating breakup with his live-in girlfriend of three years has left local man Andrew White emotionally drained and hungry.  “I really thought she was the one,” White told reporters, speaking from a poorly lit bedroom that reflected the darkness  in his soul.  “All I’ve...
February 14th, 2010 | Life | Read More

Princeton Volunteers Dispense Hot Breakfasts to Deprived Harvard Students

The Harvard administration eliminated hot breakfasts for Harvard students due to budget cuts, and the situation was desperate. These kids needed an angel… and they got several. On Friday, November 6, The Princeton Tiger led a humanitarian aid mission to bring hot breakfast– oatmeal– to Harvard...
February 12th, 2010 | Princeton, Video | Read More