It’s difficult to maintain high school relationships in college. As a freshman, I’m learning this the hard way. I had a girlfriend of a year at a school in Philadelphia, my hometown. So I suppose you can guess what I’m going to say next. That’s right. My girlfriend was injured in a freak gasoline fight accident and is currently in a vegetative state. I began to feel like our relationship soon thereafter became a give and take; I gave over and over again, and she would only take. Yeah yeah, dirty mind, but if only that were what I meant! Our conversations were no longer deep emotional discussions, but rather completely one-sided monologues.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t ready to commit to my comatose cuddle bunny if she couldn’t fulfill me emotionally. I told her I wanted out of the relationship, but she wouldn’t even dignify me with a response.
So while I’m not technically “single,” I wanted to make sure I still had mad game. What better way to do this than to a write a personals ad for the Prince? So that’s exactly what I did. However, they wouldn’t run it because they called me “insensitive,” when I was clearly the victim in the situation. That’s what you get nowadays: communists controlling the media. Anyway, a friend told me about Tiger, and immediately I knew a sensible crowd when I saw one. (Ed. note: Damn straight.) They took me into their cabal as one of their own and let me post my ad. Here we go:
Recently dumped dude seeking female fellowship (but if you live in Rocky or Mathey that’s kind of a long walk so basically we’re talking Butler, Wilson or Whitman girls). Enjoy laughing, loving, and loading dice to play underground D&D tournaments for cash prizes to pay off student loans? Then we’re a match made in poor credit heaven. I enjoy slow dancing, square dancing, square roots, roots of post modern jazz exploration in the 21st century, 21st century cinematography, Kevin Bacon, Footloose, anddddddd we’re back to slow dancing. I play five instruments, and hopefully one of them will be your heart (I’m pre-med). I’ll even do your homework… as long as it involves anatomy (which should be easy since, once again, I’m pre-med). Seeking chemistry (and a girl who hates gasoline fights),
–Bundle of Butler Love