Late last night, archaeologists working overtime in the recently discovered fifth basement of Firestone Library uncovered the preserved remains of several Princeton students who they believe to date back hundreds of years. Their report, released today, details the specifics of their find.
“With this definitive evidence, we can conclude that these primordial ‘Fresh’ men were lost in the basement without light and cowered in the corner of the library until they expired,” said the report.
“It’s no surprise that these remains have never been uncovered.” stated Dr. Malcolm Leigh, project director of the ongoing Firestone excavation, adding, “Honestly, who goes this far into Firestone, anyways?”
Archaeologists observed large piles of books around the skeletons of the students, corroborating radiocarbon dating evidence that the students entered the library during midterms week in the late 1800s. While the cause of death was largely attributed to starvation, tooth marks on the students’ bones indicate the students resorted to cannibalism, or maybe some weird 19th century repressed homoeroticism. “This sort of behavior is not uncommonly observed in freshmen under stress,” explained Leigh.
Scientists marveled at the high quality in which the remains were found, citing probable causes in their report. “The large masses of books as well as the collapsed stacks probably trapped the students and buried them until we uncovered them yesterday. This entombing effect preserved the bodies and made this discovery possible.”
This unusual excavation has drawn national attention from historical societies, which have been clamoring at an opportunity to study the uniquely preserved forms of the first Princeton men. Upon analyzing their fingertips, they found traces of pipe tobacco, quill ink, and André. Apparently, some things are consistent throughout history.
The dangers of straying into the depths of Firestone Library are well documented. This discovery comes only days after search efforts for a group of lost underclassmen in the fourth basement was abandoned, and an estimated five to ten students die each year in the lower levels from starvation, being unwittingly crushed by fellow students while browsing stacks, or being gored by the minotaur.
The chairman of the Librarian Committee of Firestone Library was available for comment. “We advise students against wandering into the second basement without using the buddy system, and trips to the third basement should only be made with proper flashlights, harnesses, and emergency radio equipment, available from the circulation desk. We’re disturbed that so many students are lost this way each year.”
Finally, the chairman added, “Whatevs, at least they’re just freshmen.”