Brainstorming The Upcoming Sherlock Holmes Movie

 

Bear with me here. We’ve got a box office smash on our hands if we play this right.

The Car Scene

So Holmes and Watson are out on patrol or whatever they do, you know, scouting out mysteries. Watson’s all steamed, you know, because Sherlock’s supposed to show him the ropes but instead he’s treating him with kid gloves and keeping him on the sidelines, because he doesn’t want Watson to get hurt like his last partner, but we don’t find out about that until later. They’re cruising around in their carriage, and Watson’s like, “Can I put on some music?” and Holmes is like, “Sure,” and Watson leans over and flicks on the phonograph. It starts playing some Romantic shit, Schubert or something, but then get this, Holmes, just totally ice cold, takes the wax cylinder and throws it out the carriage window and puts on some straight up Baroque. And Watson’s like, “Hey, man, I was listening to that!” and Holmes is like, “My carriage, my music.” And there’s totally tension.

The Drug Scene

holmesI guess in the books Holmes is a drug addict or something? I don’t know, but we were thinking instead of shooting up, which audiences aren’t really going to be comfortable with, Holmes just tokes up some seriously dank shit. The sun never sets on the British empire, so it’s always 4:20 somewhere, am I right? What I’m seeing is Holmes scores some opium off Tsang Chi, this really skeevy Chinaman type (who we find out later is actually working for Lord Blackwood), and after Holmes walks off with the stuff we get a shot of this guy grinning real nasty-like, real ice cold, and twirling his mustache. Because, you know, that’s how he would have been portrayed in the source material. So Holmes and Watson gets back to their pad and break out the spliff, only right as Holmes takes a massive bong rip, we get this shot, this big close-up, of his eyes getting real big, and he goes in kind of a whacky voice, “I think I got some bad stuff!” And then all of a sudden this really crazy psychedelic reggae-type music comes in and everything starts spinning, and we go right into this crazy-ass trip scene, really mind-expanding stuff, and I think audiences are really gonna be able to connect. We were thinking that afterward Holmes could have a bad case of the munchies and see Watson as a big steak, you know, with a bowler hat.

The Cast

HolmesandWatsonWe were kicking around swapping out Jude Law for Will Smith and Rachel McAdams for Rosario Dawson, but we can just make them black and hispanic with CGI or makeup or whatever. Also, we were thinking we bring Robert Duvall in as Holmes’ and Watson’s cranky old chief. Can you imagine? “Holmes, I’m putting you back on the beat” “But Chief, you said you’d drop dead before I’d get off desk duty!” “Holmes, you’re a junkie, a loose cannon, and a PR nightmare, but goddamn it, you’re the best we’ve got!”

The Climax

At this point, Watson has made his way to the top of the pyramid after the whole mummy shoot-out in the Tomb of Odin. He’s hurt, he’s tired, but most of all he’s angry. So he strides into the throne room, and he’s like, “Lord Blackwood, you’re under arrest.” Only Lord Blackwood’s not on the throne, he’s right behind him, which Watson realizes just in time turn and see Lord Blackwood go “Arrest this,” and shoot him right in the chest. Blackie walks over to Watson, who’s still alive, and is like, “Give me the Eldritch Heart!” because he saw Holmes hand it off to Watson during the shoot-out, but Watson just laughs, which freaks Lord Blackwood out. Then Watson rips open his shirt to reveal, get this, chainmail, which stopped the bullets, and he just smirks and goes “Holmes is where the Heart is.” And bam bam! Holmes, who was right behind Blackwood the whole time, just ice cold drops two slugs into the dude, who stumbles backwards, trips over Watson, and falls out through the big stained-glass window to his death (or is it? I smell sequel!). Holmes helps Watson up, turns to his buddy, and goes, “He should’ve been Watson where he was going.” They laugh. They high five. Roll credits.

-DJA ’13

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The movies in general are not really reliable sources of information on how to help a drug addict, but there are some films that do hit their mark.

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