Today, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a plan to eliminate California’s debt by 2010 by selling its excess of convicts to Japanese game shows. Schwarzenegger stated that “the girlie-men Democrats” in the state legislature have done nothing to reduce spending, so he has been forced to turn to drastic measures to raise funds.
“Death row convicts,” a California Department of the Interior said in a press release, “will be given the choice of either a painful, public, and humiliating death, or twenty years of doing anything and everything a Japanese game show asks them to do. We anticipate that at least some of the convicts will be crazy enough to choose Japan.”
While some have speculated that this measure may be unconstitutional by virtue of being cruel, unusual, and totally awesome, Governor Schwarzenegger defends his proposal, saying that the convicts themselves are able to choose their punishment.
“While it is certainly unusual,” a spokesman for ロバの陰嚢 Industries* said, “there is nothing cruel in having to eat an entire cake of wasabi while watching From Justin To Kelly, or being lifted up by a balloon tied to your pubic hair. We do it in Japan all the time.” Many, however, are concerned that other, more physically-intensive shows could possibly injure or kill their contestants, for instance by hitting them in the balls after they fumble a tongue twister or forcing them to use a jetpack to get into the top window of a fifteen-story building.
“Game shows that involve inhumane devices like the ball-slapping machine are prohibited on U.S. soil,” said California Attorney General and former Governor Jerry Brown, “but their use on American prisoners does not constitute anything illegal in Japan.”
The contract also guarantees that the Geneva Convention will be followed in the treatment of these prisoners, but then, hey, they also said that about Gitmo. Understandably, this guarantee has not answered all of the concerns of humanitarian organizations, but Schwarzenegger remains unapologetic. When asked by a reporter whether this treatment was fair to the prisoners, the Governor simply looked him and said “Wienerschnitzel. Scheisse!”
As the governor announced this plan, the ratings of California bonds rebounded to a respectable AA rating and the governor’s approval rating saw a five percent increase. Experts caution, however, that Schwarzenegger’s improved polling numbers may also reflect his recent unconditional apology for Kindergarten Cop and his new political strategy of ending every sentence with the phrase, “Get to the chopper!”
The new plan has already inspired a series of public service announcements telling children to exercise and to stay off the street. “No one wants to put a piece of steak on their head and lie in front of a Komodo dragon,” explained an anonymous social worker, referring to a popular series in Japan called “Meat Head.”
“Should this prove popular,” Nancy Pelosi said, “maybe we can find a better use for Guantanamo instead of closing it down.” Considering the debt the federal government has accumulated throughout the last nine years, it is certainly a consideration.
-Steve Holt ’13
*Translation: “Donkey Scrotum Industries”