Hey, there. I think we need to talk. See, I’ve felt like we’ve been drifting apart lately. Remember the good old days? We made a great team. You’d consider taking Jim’s lunch when he got up to get a drink, and I’d be all like, “No, man, respect the kid’s property,” and you totally did. It was awesome. You’d pull Sally’s hair, she’d cry, and I’d make you stop. You’d use a sharpie to scrawl some crude rhyming verse on a bathroom wall, and I’d make you feel guilty about it. Talk about synergy!
That just kind of faded away, didn’t it? I mean, it started out all right. Maybe you’d tell a few dead baby jokes, or shiftily look around and tell a racist joke. You and I both know that was wrong, but hey, it’s a victimless crime, right? I forgive you! See? Your conscience is cutting you a little slack. But then, I don’t know, “letting it slip” to the principal, who happens to be our local NAACP representative, that you heard those jokes from Mr. Jolson, the English teacher? You got him fired! Just because he gave you a detention for cursing in class, which I frowned on, by the way, doesn’t give you the right to lie to get a teacher fired. We really dropped the ball on communication on that one, and maybe I’m to blame for that. You were a teenager, your body was coursing with hormones, of course you’re liable to make some bad decisions.
The arson was a different matter, though.
Seriously, I felt like you were ignoring me throughout the entire process of taking your mom’s matches, stealing that lighter fluid from the barbeque, and torching that abandoned cabin in the woods. I kept telling you “No, no, vagrants use that for shelter during the winter!” but you acted as if I wasn’t even there. Now we have homeless people freezing on the streets while you sleep snugly in your nice, warm, bed. How do you sleep at night? Seriously, how? I feel like I’m really slacking on my job here as a conscience. I’m supposed to be the one keeping you out of trouble and making you feel bad about what you’ve done.
But that’s why I’m talking to you now. I feel like we need to make a fresh start. Maybe a little give and take. I’ll let the small stuff slide, but you can perhaps not commit petty theft on a regular basis, or at least feel bad about it. I can see it now. The dynamic duo, back together, donating money to charity, volunteering for community events, planting trees…
…oh. You’re picking up a hooker. Wow. Why do I even try? No, no, it’s fine, we can use this as a learning moment. This isn’t so morally wrong, she gets paid and you feel good. Give and take. I’ll look the other way on this one. Now all you have to do is reciprocate and—WHY DID YOU KILL HER? JESUS CHRIST!
Ok, ok, we can salvage this. Her life was in shambles and it was a quick death. I guess you could see that as a merciful act.
Well, you can’t see it as merciful once you take all her money and harvest her organs for the black market, now can you? Do you feel bad? Do you? No. You don’t. Fuck this shit, you’re on your own.
-EP’13