Study Shows Drinking Improves Foreign Language Skills; Test Takers Accused of “Doping”

A recent groundbreaking study by Tiger Magazine’s psychological research team shows that there is a significant link between alcohol consumption and foreign language speaking ability. The study showed that as Blood Alcohol Content increases, there is almost a four hundred percent improvement in speaking ability. “Alcohol affects the confidence area of the brain,” a researcher said, pointing to a complicated chart (see below). “While some areas are affected by alcohol, others are not.”


The study consisted of four homeless men who were given gratuitous amounts of alcohol at a Mexican bar and whose blood alcohol content was then measured. Throughout the study, the research team observed that foreign language speaking ability rose. Almost all of them began speaking some variety of Spanish, yelling out words like “tequila” and “cerveza.” While it may be true that the homeless men themselves were Mexican, the study shows a dramatic improvement in the ability of the researchers, who were drinking themselves, to understand the test subjects. The data was graphed:


This study also brings up many interesting questions that require further inquiry. Does the type of alcohol help with a specific language? For example, does tequila aid Spanish speakers and vodka help Russian speakers? Does Pabst Blue Ribbon assist Pretentious speakers? And does moonshine made in someone’s bathtub enable everyone to speak in those cool accents from the 1920s? There is evidence that this may be true. One anonymous source told Tiger Magazine that he “spoke Japanese after drinking a lot of sake.” The man also claimed he played Mario Kart “freakishly well that night,” and woke up the next morning in a Lolita-Humbert Humbert themed swing club in Tokyo.

This study may also affect future foreign language examinations. There are rumors of students doing oral examinations slightly inebriated. “I’m totally going to take my French exam wasted!” said one anonymous student. Some Princeton Spanish teachers, like Señor Chang, are worried about this practice’s adverse effects. “This represents a clear instance of an Honor Code violation.” he said, hoping he wouldn’t have to resort to ‘dope’ testing, “Students are using a performance-enhancing substance during tests, and are neglecting the potentially very harmful side effects. But more importantly, I would really prefer to grade vomit-free papers.”

This is a relatively new area of psychiatry that ought to be studied more closely. The International Federation of Profesores de Español were unavailable for comment on its effects on teaching. “This gives us a totally new perspective on how to teach other languages,” the study’s head researcher said. “Perhaps class Spanish trips should be to Senor Frog’s Bar and Grill in Tijuana instead of the Prado in Madrid.” It is certain that foreign language departments at various universities will consider this possibility.

–Steve Holt

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