Probable Conversations Between High Ranking Government Officials On Contemporary Issues Of Importance

MeetingPot

H.R.G.O. 1: Aaaargh, I hate marijuana so much!

H.R.G.O. 2: I hate it, too! I hate it more than almost anything!

H.R.G.O. 1: I hate it almost as much as I hate teenagers! I hate them and their rock and roll music and sexy denim clothing and alcohol parties!

H.R.G.O. 2: I am just livid with hate for the youth and their recreational practices! I am punching holes in my own desk to demonstrate how angry I am!

H.R.G.O. 1: They don’t have values! Not a single value! Not like we who grew up in the Great Depression!

H.R.G.O. 2: Let’s keep marijuana illegal no matter how much they protest because we hate them so much and for no other reasons at all! Let’s do that!

H.R.G.O. 1: I agree with you! That is a thing that I think we should do!

9/11

H.R.G.O. 1: Everything is going to shit.

H.R.G.O. 2: Hell in a handbasket.

H.R.G.O. 1: Let’s do 9/11.

H.R.G.O. 2: Are you serious? I don’t know how I feel about doing 9/11.

H.R.G.O. 1: Dead serious. It will be great. We can do 9/11, and then we can put clues about it on the twenty dollar bill.

H.R.G.O. 2: You know what? That sounds like a good idea. Okay, yeah, let’s do 9/11.

H.R.G.O. 1: Great. Is that a new tie, by the way? Gorgeous print.

H.R.G.O. 2: You betcha.

Taxes

H.R.G.O 1: So I’ve been thinking maybe we should increase taxes.

H.R.G.O. 2: No. No way, man. The American people hate taxes. They said so.

H.R.G.O. 1: No, hear me out. You know how we love hookers and blow?

H.R.G.O. 2: Well, yeah, of course. That’s basically all we do, as government officials, is hookers and blow.

H.R.G.O. 1: What if we could have more hookers and blow? What if we had more government money for that?

H.R.G.O. 2: That’d be swell! Real swell! But how would we do that, get more government money for hookers and blow?

H.R.G.O. 1: Well, listen to this: if we increase taxes, we would have more money!

H.R.G.O. 2: To spend on…

H.R.G.O. 1: Hookers and blow! See? It’s that easy!

H.R.G.O. 2: I guess I’ve never thought of it that way! If that’s true, then there’s no reason at all not to increase taxes.

H.R.G.O. 1: Okay, I increased taxes. Man, everything is just awesome when you are the government.

War

H.R.G.O. 1: WARRRRRRRRRR!

H.R.G.O. 2: WWWWWAAAAAARRRRRRR!

H.R.G.O. 1: WAR WAR WAR WAAAAAAAR!

H.R.G.O. 2: YEEEAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

H.R.G.O. 1: LET’S DO WAR!

H.R.G.O. 2: WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Health Care

H.R.G.O. 1: Staggering premiums.

H.R.G.O. 2: Yes.

H.R.G.O. 1: Gratuitous penalties.

H.R.G.O. 2: Oh, hell yes.

H.R.G.O. 1: Death panels.

H.R.G.O. 2: Oh my God.

H.R.G.O. 1: Bloated bureaucracy. Wanton inefficiency.

H.R.G.O. 2: It’s like eating candy. It’s like eating the best candy I’ve ever had.

H.R.G.O. 1: Marginalizing people gets me off.

H.R.G.O. 2: Me, too.

-DJA ’13

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