One Hundred Lies About Barack Obama

1. Barack Obama’s signature drink is the 7&7&7 (ice, Seagram 7, 7-Up, a seven dollar bill)
2. Though not a secret Muslim, Barack Obama is, in fact, a secret Sikh, which is significantly harder to keep secret.
3. Barack Obama will only agree to enter a stadium or sports arena if his entrance is accompanied by “Let’s Hear It For The Boy” by Deniece Williams
4. You might be surprised to hear it, but Barack Obama knows a thing or two about heartache.
5. When Barack Obama gets into a really awkward situation, he rolls up his shirt cuffs, winks, and declares, “Well, how do you like that?”
6. Starting on his nineteenth birthday and ending on his twenty first birthday, Barack Obama would huff Scotchgard out of an old lunchbox first thing in the morning most every day.
7. Barack Obama has a sex bandana that he wears right before and right after making love to a woman, but not during.
8. Once Barack Obama got so mad that he actually slapped White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel so hard a little bit of blood came out of his ears.
9. If you go one on one on the court with Barack Obama, you must agree that he will buy you a milkshake if you beat him, but he gets to keep one of your shoes if you lose.
10. One of Barack Obama’s incisors is false. Which one it is is an issue of national security.
11. On the hit TV show Lost, the character Hurley, upbeat, rotund, and hispanic, is based on a young Barack Obama.
12. Barack Obama owns ZZ Top’s customized 1993 Ford, “The Eliminator,” which he keeps on blocks in the White House garage.
13. Kissing Barack Obama has been compared to sharing a really warm handshake with your father right before going off to fight a just war.
14. All of Barack Obama’s underwear is monogrammed with the initials “THM.” He has thus far declined to comment.
15. Barack Obama’s left eye sees in thermal vision, while his right eye sees everyone as large, anthropomorphic food items.
16. Barack Obama can do a cartwheel! Look!
17. No, wait, hold on, this time he’ll do it right.
18. Barack Obama’s scent is Unforgivable by Sean John. He wears it so he will never forget.
19. Barack Obama is allergic to tin and incompetence.
20. Barack Obama’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother was Jewish, but he isn’t, because this country isn’t ready for a Jewish president just yet.
21. Barack Obama isn’t religious, but he does have tea and scones with God and Tony Blair every second Tuesday.
22. Barack Obama took Sadaam Hussein’s name after he captured him, shaved him, killed him, and deactivated his Segway.
23. Barack Obama can do one hundred regular push ups, but only twenty five girl push ups, so go figure, I guess.
24. After taking communion, Barack Obama takes a shot of Frank’s Red Hot hot sauce, to “give the devil his due.”
25. On a survey in kindergarten, Barack Obama listed his top three aspirations as “pope, continent, wherewolf [sic]”
26. Without the amulet of Enkidu, Barack Obama only has the strength of three men.
27. Whenever Barack Obama flies in a helicopter, he sings the theme to The A-Team under his breath for the entire flight.
28. Barack Obama’s real name is Capricorn Staples Ortega. It is for this reason he continues to decline to release his birth certificate.
29. Barack Obama holds the patent for putting a wedge of lime in Corona.
30. Michelle Obama is the only living person to have seen Barack Obama without any of his prosthetics.
31. In Singapore, there is a bounty of 450,000 Singapore dollars on Barack Obama’s head, worth approximately $324,000. The reason for the bounty is an issue of national security.
32. Barack Obama’s grandfather was on the U-boat that sunk the Lusitania.
33. Barack Obama’s grandfather also crashed the Hindenburg.
34. Barack Obama’s grandfather also shot President William McKinley.
35. Barack Obama’s driver’s license class is XXX
36. Barack Obama’s blood type is AC/DC
37. Citizens of Illinois are legally obligated to annually send Barack Obama a picture of their youngest child and a lock of their hair.
38. At all restaurants, Barack Obama will only ever order a flank steak and a Mr. Pibb, and will refuse to leave until both orders are met verbatim.
39. Barack Obama’s favorite band is White Snake. His second favorite band is nothing.
40. The most Barack Obama will ever tip is a nickel, but it will always be shiny and from an important year.
41. When Barack Obama was twelve, he saw a dead body in Cushing’s Fork, near the old sawmill, and never told a soul.
42. The film A Beautiful Mind is based mostly on Barack Obama’s time at Harvard Law School.
43. After Barack Obama finishes a book, he eats the title page.
44. Barack Obama’s DNA has been determined to more closely resemble that of a scorpion than that of an orangutan.
45. Barack Obama was the first man to ever have the nickname “Tex”
46. According to high school classmates, Barack Obama never wore a shirt to school his junior year, claiming that it was “too hot.”
47. Barack Obama never cuts his fingernails, instead clawing regularly at a wooden scratching post to file them.
48. Barack Obama’s first word was “methamphetamine.”
49. On New Years, Barack Obama gets really ragged on Tequiza and shots of Stern Admiral gin and works on his “shame quilt.”
50. 50 is as high as Barack Obama is able to count before passing out, exhausted.
51. For the longest time, Barack Obama thought that Drano® was a nickname for Dean.
52. Barack Obama doesn’t believe in evolution. He calls it “evolushit.”
53. By the age of thirty, Barack Obama had already developed arthritis and Alzheimer’s. It was cured the first time he shook hands with Ted Kennedy and has not since returned.
54. Barack Obama knows how to skateboard, and he does it without a helmet.
55. While a state legislator, Barack Obama spearheaded a short-lived effort to make the Illinois state bird The Eagles.
56. In his desk in the oval office, Barack Obama keeps a revolver with a single bullet, just in case.
57. Barack Obama has stated on the record that if he started a band, it would be called Wheels That Feel, and that he would play bass and do backing vocals.
58. Barack Obama can’t spell the word “receive.”
59. If you feed Barack Obama after midnight, he becomes just a little bit more racist.
60. Barack Obama has been a repeated victim of cyber-bullying.
61. Sexting with Barack Obama incurs lower fees than texting otherwise would.
62. Barack Obama only trusts science as far as he can throw it.
63. In private, Barack Obama refers to Vice President Joseph Biden as “Saggy Sam.”
64. Barack Obama is a certified justice of the peace.  He also delivers certified justice for peace.
65. Every fixture and piece of furniture in Barack Obama’s Chicago home is bulletproof.
66. Barack Obama is one of six men worldwide to be officially certified in mouth to mouth to mouth.
67. Barack Obama wears an elephant mask from dusk until dawn for the entire month of Ramadan. The reasons behind this are an issue of national security.
68. Barack Obama’s catchphrase is “And you can take that one home to Mom and Dad!”
69. Over the course of his career, Barack Obama has solved eleven mysteries.
70. Barack Obama’s favorite Ghostbuster is Egon Spengler.
71. Barack Obama doesn’t suffer fools gladly.
72. Most later episodes of The Sopranos featured a subtle and easily missed cameo by Barack Obama. The same holds true of the early seasons of Entourage.
73. The only DVD Barack Obama owns is Face/Off (1997), staring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.
74. Barack Obama has installed a microbrewery in the White House. He sells the beer in local liquor stores under the label “Barack O’Brew.”
75. Only once, ever, has Barack Obama appeared in a burlesque show, and he swore never to do it again.
76. Barack Obama’s favorite candy bar is Charleston Chew, which he will swallow whole for the sake of irony.
77. If someone insults Barack Obama to his face, he will not sleep until he or someone in his employ eggs his or her house.
78. Barack Obama has extensive training in two fighting styles: Professional Wrestling and Headbutt.
79. Barack Obama considers it a sin to serve steak without mashed potatoes and gravy.
80. Without the aid of machines, Barack Obama is usually able to produce a pretty accurate graph of local and nearby seismic activity.
81. Barack Obama can’t read minds, but he can read books.
82. Barack Obama continues to refuse to recognize Mexico as an independent nation. In private, he refers to it as “Super Texas.”
83. Barack Obama considers himself to be a Decepticon.
84. Dormant volcanos are statistically more likely to become active if Barack Obama has commented on their grandeur.
85. Barack Obama’s lucky number is slevin.
86. Unless you own a photo of Barack Obama, he is legally allowed to take one item of value from your house at a time of his choosing.
87. Barack Obama fronts (this is a lie because Barack Obama never fronts).
88. When Barack Obama goes running, he puts on two pairs of socks (“One pair for speed, one pair for luck”).
89. The only reason Barack Obama doesn’t have a mohawk is because he’s president.
90. Barack Obama’s political idol is Nelson Mandela, but his personal idol is Mike Seaver, played by Kirk Cameron, from Growing Pains.
91. The only time Barack Obama ever attempted a handstand was immediately after the birth of Malia. After Sasha was born, all of the doctors looked at him expectantly, and he just shook his head.
92. The lyrics to dance hit “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston have nothing at all to do with Barack Obama. Nothing at all.
93. Barack Obama is hung like Saddam Hussein. That is where he gets his middle name.
94. Barack Obama has his own base system for hooking up. First base is dry humping, second is really enjoying each other’s company, third is two girls at once, and home is having licked every part of the other partner’s body in one sitting.
95. Saying Barack Obama’s name backwards gets you a signed postcard. Saying his name backwards three times in front of a mirror gets you slapped.
96. Barack Obama discovered salt.
97. Barack Obama’s greatest weakness is children not believing in him.
98. At age sixteen, Barack Obama had a show on a local radio station called “Barack’s Bam-Bam Grand-Slam Tower of Power Hour.” He refused to play anything other than Peter Gabriel and Joy Division.
99. It is considered poor form to not offer a sip of one’s alcoholic beverage to Barack Obama.
100. Barack Obama was born flipping the bird to the delivery room.
DJA ’13
obama_lies21. Barack Obama’s signature drink is the 7&7&7 (ice, Seagram 7, 7-Up, a seven dollar bill)
2. Though not a secret Muslim, Barack Obama is, in fact, a secret Sikh, which is significantly harder to keep secret.
3. Barack Obama will only agree to enter a stadium or sports arena if his entrance is accompanied by “Let’s Hear It For The Boy” by Deniece Williams
4. You might be surprised to hear it, but Barack Obama knows a thing or two about heartache.
5. When Barack Obama gets into a really awkward situation, he rolls up his shirt cuffs, winks, and declares, “Well, how do you like that?”
6. Starting on his nineteenth birthday and ending on his twenty first birthday, Barack Obama would huff Scotchgard out of an old lunchbox first thing in the morning most every day.
7. Barack Obama has a sex bandana that he wears right before and right after making love to a woman, but not during.
8. Once Barack Obama got so mad that he actually slapped White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel so hard a little bit of blood came out of his ears.
9. If you go one on one on the court with Barack Obama, you must agree that he will buy you a milkshake if you beat him, but he gets to keep one of your shoes if you lose.
10. One of Barack Obama’s incisors is false. Which one it is is an issue of national security.
11. On the hit TV show Lost, the character Hurley, upbeat, rotund, and hispanic, is based on a young Barack Obama.
12. Barack Obama owns ZZ Top’s customized 1993 Ford, “The Eliminator,” which he keeps on blocks in the White House garage.
13. Kissing Barack Obama has been compared to sharing a really warm handshake with your father right before going off to fight a just war.
14. All of Barack Obama’s underwear is monogrammed with the initials “THM.” He has thus far declined to comment.
15. Barack Obama’s left eye sees in thermal vision, while his right eye sees everyone as large, anthropomorphic food items.
16. Barack Obama can do a cartwheel! Look!
17. No, wait, hold on, this time he’ll do it right.
18. Barack Obama’s scent is Unforgivable by Sean John. He wears it so he will never forget.
19. Barack Obama is allergic to tin and incompetence.
20. Barack Obama’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother was Jewish, but he isn’t, because this country isn’t ready for a Jewish president just yet.
21. Barack Obama isn’t religious, but he does have tea and scones with God and Tony Blair every second Tuesday.
22. Barack Obama took Saddam Hussein’s name after he captured him, shaved him, killed him, and deactivated his Segway.
23. Barack Obama can do one hundred regular push ups, but only twenty five girl push ups, so go figure, I guess.
24. After taking communion, Barack Obama takes a shot of Frank’s Red Hot hot sauce, to “give the devil his due.”
25. On a survey in kindergarten, Barack Obama listed his top three aspirations as “pope, continent, wherewolf [sic]”
26. Without the amulet of Enkidu, Barack Obama only has the strength of three men.
27. Whenever Barack Obama flies in a helicopter, he sings the theme to The A-Team under his breath for the entire flight.
28. Barack Obama’s real name is Capricorn Staples Ortega. It is for this reason he continues to decline to release his birth certificate.
29. Barack Obama holds the patent for putting a wedge of lime in Corona.
30. Michelle Obama is the only living person to have seen Barack Obama without any of his prosthetics.
31. In Singapore, there is a bounty of 450,000 Singapore dollars on Barack Obama’s head, worth approximately $324,000. The reason for the bounty is an issue of national security.
32. Barack Obama’s grandfather was on the U-boat that sunk the Lusitania.
33. Barack Obama’s grandfather also crashed the Hindenburg.
34. Barack Obama’s grandfather also shot President William McKinley.
35. Barack Obama’s driver’s license class is XXX
36. Barack Obama’s blood type is AC/DC
37. Citizens of Illinois are legally obligated to annually send Barack Obama a picture of their youngest child and a lock of their hair.
38. At all restaurants, Barack Obama will only ever order a flank steak and a Mr. Pibb, and will refuse to leave until both orders are met verbatim.
39. Barack Obama’s favorite band is White Snake. His second favorite band is nothing.
40. The most Barack Obama will ever tip is a nickel, but it will always be shiny and from an important year.
41. When Barack Obama was twelve, he saw a dead body in Cushing’s Fork, near the old sawmill, and never told a soul.
42. The film A Beautiful Mind is based mostly on Barack Obama’s time at Harvard Law School.
43. After Barack Obama finishes a book, he eats the title page.
44. Barack Obama’s DNA has been determined to more closely resemble that of a scorpion than that of an orangutan.
45. Barack Obama was the first man to ever have the nickname “Tex”
46. According to high school classmates, Barack Obama never wore a shirt to school his junior year, claiming that it was “too hot.”
47. Barack Obama never cuts his fingernails, instead clawing regularly at a wooden scratching post to file them.
48. Barack Obama’s first word was “methamphetamine.”
49. On New Years, Barack Obama gets really ragged on Tequiza and shots of Stern Admiral gin and works on his “shame quilt.”
50. 50 is as high as Barack Obama is able to count before passing out, exhausted.
51. For the longest time, Barack Obama thought that Drano® was a nickname for Dean.
52. Barack Obama doesn’t believe in evolution. He calls it “evolushit.”
53. By the age of thirty, Barack Obama had already developed arthritis and Alzheimer’s. It was cured the first time he shook hands with Ted Kennedy and has not since returned.
54. Barack Obama knows how to skateboard, and he does it without a helmet.
55. While a state legislator, Barack Obama spearheaded a short-lived effort to make the Illinois state bird The Eagles.
56. In his desk in the oval office, Barack Obama keeps a revolver with a single bullet, just in case.
57. Barack Obama has stated on the record that if he started a band, it would be called Wheels That Feel, and that he would play bass and do backing vocals.
58. Barack Obama can’t spell the word “receive.”
59. If you feed Barack Obama after midnight, he becomes just a little bit more racist.
60. Barack Obama has been a repeated victim of cyber-bullying.
61. Sexting with Barack Obama incurs lower fees than texting otherwise would.
62. Barack Obama only trusts science as far as he can throw it.
63. In private, Barack Obama refers to Vice President Joseph Biden as “Saggy Sam.”
64. Barack Obama is a certified justice of the peace.  He also delivers certified justice for peace.
65. Every fixture and piece of furniture in Barack Obama’s Chicago home is bulletproof.
66. Barack Obama is one of six men worldwide to be officially certified in mouth to mouth to mouth.
67. Barack Obama wears an elephant mask from dusk until dawn for the entire month of Ramadan. The reasons behind this are an issue of national security.
68. Barack Obama’s catchphrase is “And you can take that one home to Mom and Dad!”
69. Over the course of his career, Barack Obama has solved eleven mysteries.
70. Barack Obama’s favorite Ghostbuster is Egon Spengler.
71. Barack Obama doesn’t suffer fools gladly.
72. Most later episodes of The Sopranos featured a subtle and easily missed cameo by Barack Obama. The same holds true of the early seasons of Entourage.
73. The only DVD Barack Obama owns is Face/Off (1997), staring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.
74. Barack Obama has installed a microbrewery in the White House. He sells the beer in local liquor stores under the label “Barack O’Brew.”
75. Only once, ever, has Barack Obama appeared in a burlesque show, and he swore never to do it again.
76. Barack Obama’s favorite candy bar is Charleston Chew, which he will swallow whole for the sake of irony.
77. If someone insults Barack Obama to his face, he will not sleep until he or someone in his employ eggs his or her house.
78. Barack Obama has extensive training in two fighting styles: Professional Wrestling and Headbutt.
79. Barack Obama considers it a sin to serve steak without mashed potatoes and gravy.
80. Without the aid of machines, Barack Obama is usually able to produce a pretty accurate graph of local and nearby seismic activity.
81. Barack Obama can’t read minds, but he can read books.
82. Barack Obama continues to refuse to recognize Mexico as an independent nation. In private, he refers to it as “Super Texas.”
83. Barack Obama considers himself to be a Decepticon.
84. Dormant volcanos are statistically more likely to become active if Barack Obama has commented on their grandeur.
85. Barack Obama’s lucky number is slevin.
86. Unless you own a photo of Barack Obama, he is legally allowed to take one item of value from your house at a time of his choosing.
87. Barack Obama fronts (this is a lie because Barack Obama never fronts).
88. When Barack Obama goes running, he puts on two pairs of socks (“One pair for speed, one pair for luck”).
89. The only reason Barack Obama doesn’t have a mohawk is because he’s president.
90. Barack Obama’s political idol is Nelson Mandela, but his personal idol is Mike Seaver, played by Kirk Cameron, from Growing Pains.
91. The only time Barack Obama ever attempted a handstand was immediately after the birth of Malia. After Sasha was born, all of the doctors looked at him expectantly, and he just shook his head.
92. The lyrics to dance hit “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston have nothing at all to do with Barack Obama. Nothing at all.
93. When the last petal falls from the enchanted rose, Barack Obama will be president forever.
94. Barack Obama has his own base system for hooking up. First base is dry humping, second is really enjoying each other’s company, third is two girls at once, and home is having licked every part of the other partner’s body in one sitting.
95. Saying Barack Obama’s name backwards gets you a signed postcard. Saying his name backwards three times in front of a mirror gets you slapped.
96. Barack Obama discovered salt.
97. Barack Obama’s greatest weakness is children not believing in him.
98. At age sixteen, Barack Obama had a show on a local radio station called “Barack’s Bam-Bam Grand-Slam Tower of Power Hour.” He refused to play anything other than Peter Gabriel and Joy Division.
99. It is considered poor form to not offer a sip of one’s alcoholic beverage to Barack Obama.
100. Barack Obama was born flipping the bird to the delivery room.
DJA ’13

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