Obama Wins Peace Prize

Official_portrait_of_Barack_Obama copyThe 2009 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and” — wait, what?  Now don’t get me wrong, Obama seems all cool and stuff, but honestly, the man has been president for 8 months.  Even if he cured AIDS by stepping into the oval office, give it time!  We should still give him a chance to start an unnecessary war or have a sex scandal or mispronounce nuclear– it’s only fair.

Some news outlets are speculating that this award is essentially a “Congratulations on not being Bush” prize.  I disagree.  I think this award has many other roles:

  • Reminds Obama of the sick Olympic gold medal design Chicago could have had
  • Chance for Nobel Committee to meet Jesu—Obama in person
  • Gets Obama tickets to Al Gore’s “Laureates Only”  naked foam parties
  • Part of massive right-wing conspiracy to distract Obama from healthcare long enough to euthanize it
  • Recognition of stunning diplomatic prowess displayed during Beer Summit
  • Small donation to offset massive U.S. deficit spending
  • Funding Michelle Obama’s next Jason Wu sweater-skirt ensemble

When asked if he would consider symbolically passing the prize on to another world leader who would have been a more conventional choice, Obama replied as a true Chicagoan: “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden. I’m not just giving it up for fucking nothing.”

-JRV ’12

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