Kanye West Hired by United Nations as Official Speech Timekeeper

kanyebankimoonRecently, after Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi effectively turned his 15-minute speech at the latest United Nations conference into an hour-and-thirty-six-minute observational comedy stand-up routine, the United Nations has decided that circumlocution will no longer be tolerated. According to Ban Ki-Moon’s statement to the General Assembly, “there needs to be a little less conversation in here and a little more ass-kicking.”

In light of Kanye West’s recent success in being, as Mr. Obama diplomatically put it, “a jackass,” Ban and other U.N. officials have decided to charge Kanye West with the responsibility of stopping world leaders when they simply fail to sit down. The U.N. hopes the addition of this peacekeeping force will yield fruitful, productive discussion on matters of international importance–considered by many to be new territory for the U.N.

Though some have questioned the choice of Mr. West over other equally-qualified candidates, such as Congressman Joe Wilson, the U.N.’s choice seemed vindicated by West’s performance last week.  At the first conference in which the West Strategy was implemented, al-Gaddafi again entered a long-winded diatribe on the worldwide epidemic of swine flu. Fulfilling his duty better than the U.N. could have hoped, Kanye West interrupted him with “George Bush doesn’t care about fish flu.”  This success was tempered, however, when West told  Ban, “Imma let you finish, but Kofi was the best Secretary General of all time! Of all time!” Only the Iranian delegation applauded.

–Steve Holt ’13

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