In today’s world of sexual promiscuity, it can be hard for young people to stay chaste until marriage. As all sorts of new erotic fads and practices continue to blur the line between virginity and virsinity, we offer you this thought-provoking exercise to help you orient your moral compass (your dick) (or perhaps vagina):
Lisa and David have been dating for six months, and for their anniversary decide to finally go all the way. They engage in protected vaginal intercourse, but after five minutes, David, nervous about his performance, pulls out, ejaculates prematurely, and vomits up a few of Lisa’s earrings that had gone missing before passing out. Is it sex?
Arthur is a man of tremendous ejaculatory power and accuracy. He stimulates himself to orgasm while his wife lays prone on the other side of a long dinner table. With a great cry of release, he lets forth a concentrated torrent of semen, all of which enters his wife’s uterine canal, impregnating her instantaneously. Nine months later, she gives birth to beautiful twin baby girls. Is it sex?
Roger and Diana are engaging in a vigorous bout of mutual masturbation. As Roger is about to climax, Diana knocks him unconscious with a savage blow to the jaw. She captures his ejaculate in a mason jar and mails it to his sister Emma a month later, along with a $25 gift card to Yankee Candle. Is it sex?
Frieda is a professional model. While on the catwalk displaying the newest Fall fashions, her prosthetic leg catches the hem of her dress, catapulting her forward while simultaneously tearing the dress from her body. Entirely nude and missing a leg, Frieda somersaults directly onto the erect penis of Bernard, a pervert sitting in the front row. Though Bernard is overjoyed, Frieda is greatly surprised, and begins to thrash in all directions, her violent motions eventually bringing Bernard to orgasm. Is it sex?
Otis, a vagrant who suffers from a number of neurodegenerative venereal diseases, finds a rock that strongly resembles a phallus. He gouges at the earth with it for several days, carving out a large hole, which he crawls inside and promptly dies. Is it sex?
Francine, a giantess, and Polly, a dwarfess, are sapphic lovers. Due to her small stature, Polly is able to climb inside of Francine’s vagina in her entirety, entering her body cavity, where she can stay for hours at a time. While not at all erotically stimulating, it provides both of them with a great deal of personal satisfaction and a sense of achievement. Is it sex?
Greg and Pablo are arm-wrestling. They are identical twins of equal strength. Also, they are both sado-masochists. After an hour of neither giving an inch, they both climax violently, leaving the contest undecided. They then enjoy a casual dinner at an upscale bistro. IS IT SEX????
-DJA ’13