Song Music Entertainment, Inc.
New York, NY
To: All music producers
From: Jonathan W. Davis, VP Musical Direction
Subject: NEW ARTISTIC DIRECTION
In light of flagging sales, it is becoming increasingly clear that the music industry as a whole must reinvent itself in order to survive in these troubling economic times. Together with a quorum of our Rap Artistic Steering Committee (Bubbles the Chimp was in Stockholm for a meeting), I have drafted new guidelines for the production of rap music, effective immediately. Please take care to follow these guidelines:
1. Insert as much inane chatter as possible before the song starts. People in the ghetto talk to each other. Rappers are from the ghetto. Thus, rappers talk to each other. Let this be known.
2. Include references to well-known rappers. Attempt to confuse your audience by referencing rappers that aren’t on the track. If you’re “catching drops of ‘pac,” he might be spitting a verse as well.
3. Bass. Lots of bass. I want to feel that shit in my chest.
4. Auto-tune is God’s gift to music. Rappers are not vocalists, but they could be. So what if it sounds fake? Now Kanye can sing! (Note: continue use at live concerts).
5. Excessive puffing of the chest generates ridiculous street cred. Unrelated, but still key.
6. Misogyny is generally a compliment. Because they know they like it.
7. Rapper names must be inside jokes. Forget clever, geeky aliases like Optimus Rhymes or MC Delta T (because I’m hot). Rap isn’t about showing your love of science.
8. When aiming for a social message, go a cappella. It makes everything seem more dramatic, and allows you to stand in a spotlight making dramatic hand gestures.
9. Those who can’t rap… create mash-ups featuring prominent rappers and classic rock bands from the 60’s. 99 Problems/Helter Skelter was a hit… why not Electric Relaxation/Good Vibrations?
10. Prey on a subculture in Northern California that embraces dangerously dancing outside cars while rolling down a hill. I mean, if you really can’t think of anything else.
I appreciate your cooperation on this matter. Together, I know we can bring back rap.
Jonathan W. Davies
VP Musical Direction