“On the Origins of Congress by Means of Natural Selection”

Since the founding of our country, the Congressman has undergone evolution through the process of natural selection. There are, however, some commonalities that each species along the evolution of the Congressman shares:

A Congressman is a hardy organism able to survive sexual scandal, the laws of their fellow man, and torrents of constituent letters. They prefer to live in monetarily dense areas, gaining sustenance from a flow of ballots marked with their names.  Members of the Senate must feed once every six years, while their fellow members of the House of Representatives must do so every two years. The reason for this disparity is the 1:3 disparity in the speed of Senate to House deliberations.

congress_evolution copyUntil recently, all Congressmen were male, leading scientists to believe that they reproduced asexually. That theory was recently proven wrong with the advent of YouTube and the webcam.  As there are only 545 living members of the species, Congressmen have been listed as an endangered species. This means they enjoy special privileges such as government salaries, bodyguards, and free flu-shots. As a side note, attempts have been made to introduce genetic diversity into the Congressional community, including a rule specifying that the Senate “shall consist of two Senators from each state”, but the white male seems to be the biologically favored member of the species. Socially, congressmen have organized themselves into two opposing clans, each claiming that their clan will be better able to rule than the opposition. They often fight, leading to competition and thus selection.

Scientists have determined the non-exhaustive evolutionary sequence to be as follows:

Homo americanus – the first species that can be specified as Congressman. They developed in the late 18th Century, but we are unsure of exactly when. The first confirmable date we have of Congressional activity is 1774, based on records of the first meeting of Congress. But, the meeting was between adult members of the species. Therefore, it is possible that the origin of the species could go back 100 years, based off how long it takes for a Congressman to reach maturity. This species was driven extinct when there was a monumental two-clan split. Our Homo americanus lost their ballots to hungry fries of the species H. federalis who sacrificed their elders to the new social order.

H. federalis lasted only a brief time before voter apathy forced the selection of:

The Darth nullificaciouses. Established in the southern states, D. nullificacious was characterized by resorting to violence and stubbornness. It was the first species of Congressman to discover the tools of demagoguery and fear mongering. They often employed these tactics to scare constituents into giving them ballots, the food-stuff of Congressmen. It was during this time that Congressmen discovered another form of sustenance, the dollar. This species was selected out around 1865 by the carpetbaggers.

Homo progressivius, or erectus, depending on the terminology you prefer, evolved during a massive power-vaccuum. Homo progressivius discovered that if they extended the ballot to women and sought immigrant participation they could dominate the food supply. Homo progressivius was crushed by Woodrow Wilson in 1916 but enjoyed a brief population explosion two decades later before losing ballots and interbreeding with the species H. liberalis.

Homo liberalis and Homo conservatius both appeared in their final evolution at the back half of the 20th Century. It was at this point that private corporations began capturing and smuggling Congressmen. The value of Congressmen increased dramatically. Thus, the members of Congress voted themselves pay raise after pay raise so as not to devalue the commodity. Congressman after congressman gave up the ballot to live off the dollar, a source of food that is available year–in and year-out. Obesity rates in Congress sky rocketed.

Interbreeding of H. liberalis and H. conservatius has led to Homo erroneous – today’s Congressmen. Due to the advent of the Internet, campaign reform laws, and the discovery of sexual intercourse, today’s Congressman faces a whole new host of problems. Electronic ballots threaten the revered past of the Congressman, as he/ she will be unable to gorge on paper ballots. Members of Congress may have to shift to their less preferred food source – constituent letters – or the much more plentiful dollar. Habitat disruption in the form of media slander is also a threat to the continuation and happiness of this species.  To support a congressman go to http://www.house.gov/ or http://www.senate.gov/. Congressmen are sorted by state, so choose one of them who has been allotted to your state. Their future success relies on your generous contributions.

-SRS ’13

The Princeton Tiger © 2017 All Rights Reserved

Mildly literate comedy since 1882

Designed by WPSHOWER

Powered by WordPress