U-Store Announces Expansion

50% off all items this week only! White polos for only your first born son!

50% off all items this week only! White polos for only your first born son!

In the face of the current economic crisis, the Princeton University Store has recently announced a diversification of products sold at its stores on Nassau Street and University Place. “Because of declining sales due to our ridiculously high prices,” U-Store representatives stated, “we have decided horizontal expansion into unconventional product offerings is necessary for fiscal survival.”

Among the new products, Princeton Bottled Water stands out. According to the label, the water hails from “the wonderfully unpolluted waters of the Delaware River, backwash from Lake Carnegie, and the tears of rejected Princeton applicants.” The brand of water has grown unusually popular lately among the admissions officers who, according to market research, “love to taste the fruits of their labor.” They report that the water has a refreshing, yet salty bouquet of the tears of crushed dreams of Brown students.

Indeed, Dean Rapleye considers herself somewhat of a connoisseur.  Asked for comment on this story, she deftly swilled a newly-opened, unmarked bottle.  Sipping it delicately, she pronounced, “Ah yes, 2002.  A very good year.”

Another popular addition to the U-Store catalog is the Princeton Condom. Sales are expected to boom during the P-Rade as alumni feel they need to “show loyalty to Old Nassau.” The condoms come in a Magnum “Fine Hall” size and in “party” residential college colors. Special packs of the other Ivy League schools are also being sold for passing tourists, but customers ought to be warned that Yale condoms may cut off blood circulation.

Other assorted U-Store products include the Princeton backscratcher, the Tiger Garden Gnome, Princeton “Milwaukee’s Best” Powder Mix and ten-dollar pints of Haagen-Daz ice cream.

-“Steve Holt” ’13

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