Swine Flu Threatens Bestiality Rights

horsebuttsMembers of the administration as well as the health industry are cautioning the public against engaging in contact with pigs due to swine flu. Many Americans, however, are disturbed by where this might be going.

Cletus Tatum, director of the Man Animal Love Institute (MALI) expresses his concerns:

“What I want to know is, what is the administration doing to ensure that I’m going to be able to make love to pigs again? I mean, this is part of a bigger issue. It’s not about the pigs, I mean, there are a host of other animals I prefer to sodomize, but this is how it starts. First, we’re told no more monkey love because of the AIDS thing, and now it’s no to pigs too! What’s next, are they going to tell me that I can’t be with my dog?”

Mr. Tatum’s group MALI represents a growing grassroots movement, primarily emanating from the Southern states, who are concerned about policies which may threaten their bestiality rights going forward.

“I want to know that we’re going to be able to make sweet love to the animals we want, when we want,” said Billy Ray Cyrus of MALI’s Nashville field office.

Protesters organized by MALI were present at a recent town-hall meeting held by President Obama in Jackson, Mississippi. Some came with their animals in tow, often engaging in graphic sexual acts with those animals. Commentators have likened these protesters to the individuals who recently brought semi-automatic guns to other Obama town-hall meetings to demonstrate their 2nd Amendment rights.

What’s especially disturbing to some MALI leaders who are thinking about the future implications is that pigs are just simple livestock. They weren’t happy when the World Health Organization issued its “No-sodomy Species List,” but didn’t mind that at least most of the animals appearing on the list were fairly exotic.

“I mean, who’s going to try to mount a giraffe, and who even knows how to engage a shark? But when pigs are off limits I think a lot of Americans are concerned at the trend. I mean, some day our children or grandchildren are going to be severely limited in their choices when engaging in bestiality,” commented Tatum.

For some, however, the issue is more personal than just politics, as with Beau Conway, whom we interviewed at a rally:

puppylove“When my dog and I are making love, he always barks really loud and squirms a lot. It’s how I can tell he’s into it. I mean, I don’t know how anyone can look into the eyes of a cute little dog like that, and tell him that there isn’t going to be any more funny business from now on, because of some bureaucrat at the CDC.”

Officials at the CDC, when reached for comment issued the following statement:

“Are you friggin’ serious? That is some sick shit, man. Is this a joke, because that isn’t even funny. That’s just really really messed up. Oh god, these people do what with dogs? I think I’m going to be sick.”

-BE

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