The 109th Nobel Prize ceremony’s popular annual laureate reunion death match to the death and subsequent country club superlative brunch were smashing successes, as always. Here are the results:
Entrants registered in one of three categories: lightweight, for fighters under 150 pounds; heavyweight, for fighters over 150 pounds; and fucking racists, for Rudyard Kipling.
Einstein v. Planck
Einstein has a “relatively” poor match because he was up all night playing dice with the universe, but he is ultimately victorious. His opponent, Max Planck, cannot get enough energy to take his game to a higher level. That’s what she said. He is essentially constant in his 6.62×10^-34 punches/second, and Einstein easily outsmarts him. Einstein celebrates by sticking out his tongue and allowing many photos to be taken and distributed as the sample photo in wallets around the world.
John Nash v. John Nash
Russell Crowe manages to sneak in posing as John Nash, but decides his Gladiator character fits more with the tenor of the evening. John Nash is found, after the match, fighting himself in a bathroom stall.
Mikhail Gorbachev v. Jimmy Carter
Mikhail Gorbachev sends a strong initial attack against his American opponent when he starts the fight by sweating vodka. Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter shrivels when Gorbachev names his biceps “perestroika” and “glastnost,” respectively. In true Russian fashion, this is all a bluff intended to show the Americans that he is more powerful than he actually is, and Gorbachev summarily starves to death. Jimmy Carter celebrates this victory over the Eastern Power, but his post-match snack of mixed nuts turns tragic when he goes into anaphylactic shock from a latent peanut allergy.
Krugman v. Schrodinger
Paul Krugman’s stunning facial hair scores a quick knockout against the ghost of Erwin Schrodinger, who may or may not be dead. Having accomplished virtually everything in the universe by this point, he finally saunters off to actually teach Macroeconomics 101 to undergraduates.
Toni Morrison v. Rudyard Kipling and Martin Luther King Jr.
Toni Morrison starts out with a quick jab to Rudyard Kipling’s white guilt, but her spiel on the plight of black people in America makes Martin Luther King Jr revise his dream to “Toni Morrison finally shuts up” and Rudyard Kipling says the “actual White Man’s Burden was listening to her for so long.” Win for Toni Morrison.
Pavlov v. Mother Theresa
Pavlov summons his dogs to battle Mother Theresa, but she calls upon her royal British connections to commission the corgis for a hit. Sadly, the match ends in tragedy when Pavlov chokes on his own drool after hearing the closing bell ring too many times. His body is still being herded by the royal corgis.
T.S. Eliot v. Ernest Hemingway
The match ends not with a bang (though Hemingway does try to shoot everyone a few times) but a whimper, when they put their artistic differences aside and decide to get piss drunk and cry about their feelings.
Woodrow Wilson v. Teddy Roosevelt
Teddy Roosevelt walks softly, but irresponsibly forgets his stick. Wilson quickly gains the upper hand by seizing a “tool” with which to fight from the vast selection available to him at the Woodrow Wilson School at Princeton University, and viciously stabs his opponent 14 times to make his Point. The United Nations steps in with peacekeeping officers–but I mean, come on, what are they going to do, be irrelevant at me?
Winston Churchill v. Marie Curie v. Adriana Lima
Marie Curie to Churchill: “Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with radium.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.”
Adriana Lima to Churchill: “You, sir, are drunk.”
Churchill: “Yes, madam, I am. But in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.”
Adriana Lima raises an eyebrow and smirks.
Churchill: “Shut up.”
-MG ’12 and JRV ’12