Archive for September, 2009
Pinball Wizard Outed as Fraud
In a revelation that has rocked the world of competitive pinball, international champion Derek Dolohov, commonly known as the “Pinball Wizard,” has been outed as a fraud. Dolohov gained fame unsurpassed in his sport partly due to his inspiring accomplishments in the face of claimed deafness, dumbness,...
September 27th, 2009 | Sports | Read More
How to Pretend You Care About Genocide
We know, you lead a busy life. Your time is valuable. It’s hard to be you. But lately, your lack of a soul, or even basic empathy for the suffering of other human beings, has been getting in the way of your success, both professionally and personally. You might think it would be too time-consuming...
September 25th, 2009 | How-To | Read More
Swine Flu Threatens Bestiality Rights
Members of the administration as well as the health industry are cautioning the public against engaging in contact with pigs due to swine flu. Many Americans, however, are disturbed by where this might be going.
Cletus Tatum, director of the Man Animal Love Institute (MALI) expresses his concerns:
“What...
September 25th, 2009 | Health, Politics | Read More
U-Store Announces Expansion
50% off all items this week only! White polos for only your first born son!
In the face of the current economic crisis, the Princeton University Store has recently announced a diversification of products sold at its stores on Nassau Street and University Place. “Because of declining sales due to...
September 25th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More
FEMA’s New Children’s Stories
Last year, FEMA pulled their children’s coloring book about 9/11 from their website after a public outcry drew attention to the publication. (Seriously. We wish we were making this up. On the plus side, potty training is easy when you have the crap scared out of you.) So we wondered: what...
September 24th, 2009 | Politics | Read More
Princeton Symposium to Encourage Interdisciplinary Approach to Alcoholism
Princeton University, home to thousands of brilliant minds from diverse intellectual backgrounds, is encouraging its students and faculty to work across departments to gain insight into risky drinking behavior. Scholars of all disciplines are encouraged to attend symposiums held every Friday, Saturday,...
September 24th, 2009 | Health | Read More
Annual Nobel Prizefighters’ Deathmatch Ends in Unprecedented Carnage
The 109th Nobel Prize ceremony’s popular annual laureate reunion death match to the death and subsequent country club superlative brunch were smashing successes, as always. Here are the results:
Entrants registered in one of three categories: lightweight, for fighters under 150 pounds; heavyweight,...
September 21st, 2009 | Entertainment | Read More
The Adventures of Protagacles
Tell me, O muse, of that resourceful man Protagacles who wandered far and wide after ravaging the sacred city… actually, O muse, first bestow upon me a diction not so abstruse and unwieldy.
There. Much better.
In the town of Medias Res, our hero Protagacles was busy leading an attack on his hated...
September 21st, 2009 | Fiction/Poetry | Read More
King of Pop’s Death Sparks Bloody War of Succession
Michael Jackson, the long-reigning King of Pop, has died, leaving behind a bankrupt estate, grieving subjects, and a treacherous power vacuum. The king’s sudden death came as a shock, and rumors suggest he may even have been poisoned by a member of his own court.
As thousands of Jackson’s...
September 20th, 2009 | Entertainment | Read More
Notes on Diversity: An Open Letter to President Tilghman
Dear President Tilghman,
I was recently speaking with a prospective student about the process of applying to college, and I wanted to share with you a concern that came up during our discussion. After a number of questions about academics and college life, this student asked me if Princeton was a diverse...
September 18th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

