CDC Distressed to Learn that Killing Mexicans does not Stop Swine Flu

BBC Reporter: With the recent global outbreak of 2009 H1N1, commonly known as Swine Flu, governments and health organizations alike are scrambling to contain the pandemic. The Centers for Disease Control has taken a pioneering stance in demographically targeted containment efforts: killing Mexicans.

Since the discovery of “patient zero,” a 5 year old Mexican boy, many authorities have called for elimination of the primary disease vector.  For weeks, President Obama was reluctant to approve the plan because of its potential impact on the fruit-picking and housecleaning industries, but the severity of the outbreak eventually forced him to consider more extreme options.

Unfortunately, recent research suggests that this practice, commonly known as “Mexican Cleansing” (no, not finally cleaning up Mexico City… although, kind of, yes.), has not had the dramatic impact on the global spread of swine flu that experts have hoped for. A recent study published in Nature reveals the source of the problem: Mexicans breed like dirty dirty rabbits.

However, one positive consequence from the outbreak of swine flu is the reconsideration of preconceived racial stereotypes.  Too often, xenophobic Americans believe that other races are to blame for their problems due to their narrow-minded ignorance.  With the outbreak of swine flu, many of us are starting to understand the errors of our ways: we should hate the Mexicans, not the Asians. “Before, everyone was hating on the Asians because of SARS,” complained a representative from East Asian Studies (i.e. this reporter’s Asian roommate), “but swine flu is so much better!  Now it’s not us!”

In other swine flu news, the CDC issued a press release condemning the senseless and ignorant practice of killing pigs.  Some individuals believe that this Hogocaust will stem the spread of H1N1, but nothing could be further from the truth.  In its press release, the CDC urged the public to listen to reason: “Seriously, people.  Killing pigs will solve nothing.  Stop swining and take your Relenza.  This is not a Tamifluke.”

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