Superheroes: Where Are They Now?

quailmanTeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: After a silent coup, they are overtaken by the Middle-Aged Naturally Selected Pirate Tortoises in an epic battle.

Spiderman: Underwent skin re-pigmentation surgery after an identity crisis, lost Mary Jane in a marijuana drug deal gone horribly wrong, and now goes by “The Black Widower.”

Batman: His son, named Bat Boy, did carry on the Bat legacy… just disappointingly for the New York Yankees.

Catwoman: She never was able to trap a man in her claws, so now she goes by “Cat Lady.”

Captain America: Sadly defeated by melamine poisoning at the hand of Captain China.

Poison Ivy: Lost the itch for revenge; now seen working as a waitress at Ivy Club. On a completely unrelated note, many members have recently reported feeling slightly itchy down there.

Iron Man: In Stark contrast with his previous attention to detail, Iron Man ironically dies of tetanus after leaving a sharp edge unattended in his suit.

Wonder Woman: Translates her womanly appeal into a musical career, but unfortunately is labeled “One-hit Wonder Woman” after lassoing her way to #1 then flying off into invisibility.

Aquaman: Married a Barbie Girl, and is now a Cartoon Hero.

Green Goblin: After forming a successful football team called, coincidentally enough, “The Green Goblins,” it takes on extreme rivals “The Global Warming Elves,” a game which only ends when the ice between them melts.

Wolverine: While taking a well-deserved vacation in Alaska, killed by Sarah Palin.

The Pun-isher: Leads a double life as a lowly writer of superhero articles in Tiger Magazine.

–MG ‘12

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